11 Months Sober

Today I am 11 Months Sober!

I can’t believe that the big 1 year milestone is only 30 more days away. It’s such a surreal feeling that it’s so close. As much as I doubted myself and had myself convinced I wouldn’t get this far, I fucking did it. That is something I celebrate and take an immense pride in as I’m about to cross the finish line. However, to get here was no simple task and at times exhausted me into an eternal daze. Despite feeling stuck in this daze sometimes, I have woken up over the last two months. This month in particular it feels as if I’ve jumped out of bed and just started running. Running at speed that took me by surprise and only seems to be accelerating faster. This refreshed state of mind has placed me in a place of self-awareness that I have never experienced before. I won’t say I feel completely invincible all the time, but the majority of the time it is an accurate descriptor of my state of being. This has allowed me to be proactive in a way that I have not been able to along this sobriety journey and is nurturing my desire to be the sole executor of how I wish to live my life

Since my awakening, I have been actively working to apply the insights I have gathered and obtained throughout my journey. I am now in a place in my life where I can put all of these realizations to use and come back to them when I need a reminder of who I want to be as an individual. I found my power and strength in self-empowerment. Empowerment has been at the core of everything I have done up to this point and will continue to be. When I am empowered I am liberated. When I am empowered I am at my best. When I am empowered I experience the purest form of happiness.

To continue to empower myself I had to really think about and reflect on what worked for me and what didn’t. I have been doing this all along from time to time when I was consumed in a state of freedom, but it was a continuous and ever-present thought this month. It began with a reflection of how I wanted to conduct myself in order to be successful and inspire me to be never give up the fight. Then I acknowledged my newfound sense of what it means to be burden free and how by empowering myself I can maintain control over forces that try to take that away from me. My final reflection addressed how I define my self-worth and stressing that by asserting my body autonomy and image I fashion myself in a way that nobody can copy or recreate. Consequently, I have learned this month that when you are the executor of your life you have complete control over the way you see yourself and the way the world sees you. When you are your own boss, you are at the will of no one. Staking your claim on your individuality and unique niche in the world is the key to liberation.

Having regained control over the way I live my life, I intend to use my new executive privilege to fully embody my reinvention. I have never been more primed and in a position to redefine and reconnect with my identity in new and meaningful way. What makes it different now? I have a solid confidence in my ability to make changes and reimagine myself in different ways. I don’t feel confined in expressing myself in one way or another. The only form I possess and inhabit now is that of myself. I can rest easy knowing that my intuition is powerful and more importantly purposeful. I mean it got me to this point, right? Following my gut is something I grew to fear since it got me stuck in a 4 year state of darkness and despair. However, I now know that period was for a reason and a purpose that is something greater that I can fathom. Whether fate is real or just a long-standing myth, I can push back against it if I feel it does not serve me. I don’t know my future, but I know that going forward I have more control in how it will turn out. I have the freedom to liberate myself as I choose. That I know is true. 

Existentially Liberated, 

Taylor James