45 Weeks Sober

Today I am 318 days sober!

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For years now I have carried annoying reminders of my past. Subconsciously working in their own discretion to inhibit any sort of growth. Seeking to trap me in an eternal state of stagnation and emptiness. However, lately I have noticed the lack of these annoying reminders in my mind. In fact, there have been moments where I actually went looking for them, but I could not find them. I began to wonder, did they disappear? Maybe my mood was just so elated that I couldn’t access that part of my mind. Who knows? I’ve come to the conclusion that in this healing process my mind has undergone some spring cleaning. The memories are probably still there, they’ve just been so kindly tidied up and packed away somewhere. I’m not complaining at all about it. It’s about fucking time in all honesty. With the next chapter of my life about to take off I need a clear head to be able to access my full potential to do well and succeed. I guess it’s just a surreal feeling to be so uninhibited and in control of my life. I have struggled immensely over this sobriety journey in trying to take this newfound control over my life and apply it. I can say with a lot of confidence that I believe that time has finally come for me.

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The only way I can describe this feeling is that I feel like a lone feather floating in the sky. I don’t feel held down. The weight I’ve been carrying is no longer there. I don’t waste precious time worrying in fear about where I will end up. I keep pinching myself because it feels like a dream. I have been asking myself frequently, is this what it feels like to have no worries? Is this what confidence in its purest form feels like?  I’m coming to understand that self-confidence is the key to silencing my anxieties. The more I work to actively empower myself, the less fearful I am. Hard work for anyone, but it has left its mark on me. It’s allowed me to do things that I want to do and not be sabotaged by negative emotions of a past existence. I control my emotions single-handedly. The only person I am at the will of is myself. What I make of my life rests in my abilities. Every day is a fight to stay free. 

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I am at a loss for words most of the time lately. I truly feel like a new person. More importantly I feel like the person I have always wanted to be and become. The feathers of my past are finally molting. I’m entering a period of great change. Normally I’d be questioning everything about it. However, I feel no sense of anxiety. I’m embracing this ability to go where the wind takes me. Much like a lone feather floating in the wind, I’m meandering about finding my way. 

A Prisoner Set Free:

Taylor James 

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One Comment

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  1. How awesome! Congratulations! I like the idea of the feather floating in the sky. It’s better then a complete freefall. That’s what active addiction and alcoholism felt like to me.

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