Today I am 353 days sober!
Nervousness. We all experience it in some form or another. It’s one of those feelings in life you just can’t seem to avoid no matter how hard you try. It’s like that shadow that never seems to leave you alone even when the sun goes down and there is nothing but darkness. I was talking with one of my sober friends the other day about life and how I’ve felt a little off lately. She then, with all her wisdom, informed me about a phenomenon called the “1 Year Jitters.” Upon hearing those words a lightbulb went off in my head and said to myself, “Oh my god. I understand now.” I didn’t even know this was thing! It’s basically a moment where feelings of the past suddenly resurface around this important milestone and whip up a storm in your head. I mean with my 1 year anniversary of sobriety coming up very soon, it’s pretty logical that I would look back and make comparisons of my life to now versus pre-sobriety. So much has changed! It’s quite overwhelming when I am in these moments where I’m processing the growth and development up to this point. The transformation is so drastic it’s like night and day. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t even conceptualize what life was like when I was drinking all the time. It’s becoming and surreal blur. It could also be just my memory has gone to shit because of the alcohol, who knows!?
Anyways, the biggest thing I have noticed is my newfound sense of control over my life. This is something that I was convinced I would never get back after all the self-destruction and ruin. Although it’s not an incredibly tight grip at the moment, it is a very firm grasp and the squeeze is only getting tighter as time goes by. With this control I am finding my freedom and my sense of inner peace. I have a tendency to be quite neurotic sometimes, so the feeling relaxation is something that I am learning to love and appreciate more and more. It truly is a gift to not have to worry about everything and be so present and engaged in your life and the world around you.
I no longer fear making changes to things in my life that I can control. I now know that fate is really in the palm of my hands and without my input and influence over it, I’ll remain stuck and stagnant. So I push myself. I am pushing myself harder now than I ever have before and I’m not breaking. I’m still standing tall because I stop myself when it’s too much and work harder when I can afford to. Self-Control. I am mastering the art of self-control. Let me tell you it has not been easy, but I’m doing it. 110% everyday. I don’t allow myself to succumb to the negative when there is no reason to and act accordingly when those feelings arise. I must remain vigilant and listen to the voices in my head when they speak to me. I will not be broken. I don’t intend on that happening again.
With a strong sense of self-control, I have gained an openness and acceptance to exploring the many possibilities and opportunities that will come my way. These forces move out of my control and are volatile and unforgiving sometimes, but I know that I can remove myself and go elsewhere unperturbed. I don’t worry now what I’ll miss out on if I decide to go a different direction. I with utmost confidence and trust have surrendered myself to intuition. This has inspired and revived my carefree approach of letting life take me where it wants me to go. I am not bound to anyone but myself. My past, cultural beliefs, opposition, and other potentially negative forces do not play a role in what I do and how I live my life. That is now entirely my decision to do so and that is something I have the power to make a reality. Even if others may disagree with my decisions, I trust myself enough to move in the direction I feel I need to go. I trust myself enough to do what is best for me. I found freedom in the control to live my life according to me. On my own terms, unapologetically.
Running the Show,