49 Weeks Sober

Today I am 346 days sober!

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You know that feeling when you hear a song on the radio and it sends chills up your spine? I can describe it as that sensation where it feels like something is crawling all over you, but in the most wonderful way. That moment where everything just stands still and you surrender your attention over to the music. A shock of pure emotion to the heart, one of life’s finest infatuations. But why? It’s in this moment we can leave it all behind and connect with who we are. We suspend disbelief within our reality and dive head first into a vast fantasy. One full of hopes, dreams, and desires. A vision painted in your likeness. Somewhere only you know. This chill is a visceral reaction of your soul to something that touches you at the deepest sense of your core. Deep in your soul lies the secret of your existence. It is when you act in accordance with the feelings of your soul do you really live. When the feelings overtake your body and you leave the constructed reality in which we live, you find peace. You are reborn free.

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Quite often we lose sight of ourselves. I am no stranger to this phenomenon. The blurry nights spent with my friends Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah are testament to this. At that point in my life my soul longed for relief. To feel relief was to be free. Looking down the bottleneck I found just that. My broken and tired soul had surfaced and manifested itself. What I wanted to do and who I wanted to be was silenced, put on hold until further notice. I was out on quest for healing and in foolish desperation let myself die for an opportunity to find peace. A martyr of the wounded, beaten, and damned. Although dark and lonely, I never felt completely lost. I was aware of where I was going. As I spiraled further, the destinations became more familiar, strangers became friends, and this romanticized journey of self-discovery became the new normal. I knew nothing outside of it. Removed from the world I was safe. I was at peace. Living recklessly and comfortably numb, I had come undone. I had escaped from all that sought to destroy me. I got what I wanted. I had finally won. Then tragedy showed me the hypocrisy of ecstasy and I fell apart. There I was back at the start.

Fear Of Failure
Flash forward to now, my soul wants something different. I long to converge my two worlds, the one that exists around me and the one that exists in my mind. The world that I live in has not been kind to me and the world I escaped to was no different. I have no choice now but to find the balance and reconcile the conflicting opposition. Sobriety has been this golden opportunity to do so. What’s the secret? Simple. Follow the wants of your soul. I do not fear what my soul wants. When I indulge in my pleasures and desires, I am nourishing my soul. Even though it has gotten me into large and chaotic messes, I grow from them. When I am nourished I am strong and capable. After long years out of touch and severely weak, I have regained my strength. I am in a period of my life now where the broken parts of my existence do not control me anymore. I am embodying the next phase of my life. A phase where the desires and pursuits of my past life are not what my soul seeks and yearns for.

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I now aspire for happiness, freedom, and liberation that comes from my sheer resilience. My soul is plentiful when I exercise my personal power and control over my destiny. Instead of hiding, I am now fearlessly carving my presence and existence in the world. Embracing my reality for what it is, I will not let harsh truths and detrimental negativity dissuade me from going after what my soul wants, because at my core that is what I want. As I continue to make peace with my past and destroy my demons, I am furthered on my path to self-actualization. To do so I must act in defiance of what the world expects of me. It is then I will be liberated from all that wants to break me. There I will understand what it means to be alive.

Patiently Soul Searching,

Taylor James

 

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