Today I am 10 months sober!
I feel like up until recently I’ve been living up near the arctic circle at winter. In the sense that my life has been subject to periods of long darkness and short periods of light. That was until the last four months or so when I finally saw a change in the season. I moved out of winter and into spring and like all the flowers, I have bloomed. A thing of beauty, I stand as a testament to the inevitable impact of change. Where life is ruled by the sun who pushes me to death in her time of rest and then back to life when she awakens. Much like Persephone at the will of her mother’s grieving heart, I enjoy the comfort of day and the shelter of night. Rise and Fall. Sunrise and Sunset. Crying Tears and Shining Bright.
This month I have fully awakened. I have been exhilarated by the breath of life. Over this course of sobriety I have been gathering strength and I finally feel that I am ready to let go and experience life whole-hearted and carefree. I am entering the summer of my life.
I no longer second guess my strength. I have been acknowledging it all this time, but now I truly believe it to exist. I have come to recognize this month just how much I have overcome in my life. It seems that no matter how hard shit got, I managed to pull through repeatedly and consistently. I broke sometimes, but never to the point that I concede myself to the pain completely. All courtesy of my inherent resilience that continues to keep me seeking to find happiness and improve myself. It has been through the reflection of my worst moments that I have come to understand my potential to grow exponentially and experience my best moments. I have had great moments, but I know the best and most fulfilling are out there waiting for me to create and experience.
To obtain these moments in my life I desire, I must be selfish and I’m okay with that fact. When you’re as individualistic as I am and have had to do things on your own and for yourself for so long it’s an easy concept to swallow. It’s not something that I feel any remorse about at all. It’s just one more thing me to feel proud about. Proud in the sense I can trust my instinct and abilities without the input of others to be successful. The confidence that comes from that fact is extremely empowering and is working to make me stronger. One day I hope to say that my success and fulfillment was the product of my decisions and my decisions only. I am in place now that I can exercise my strength to protect my interests and goals so that becomes a reality.
Despite my growing sense of independence on this journey, the new lesson I have to teach myself is to accept support. Since coming to recognize my strength I no longer view myself as weak for needing support. Support is essential to get me through the moments of self-doubt and negativity. It is support that will keep me from falling into another winter in my life. In fact, the fear of seeking support I would deem as weakness. Letting yourself suffer knowing you have resources and people available shows a lack of acknowledgement and reflection and exacerbates the problem at hand (Well for me it was). As capable as I am on my own, I am human. That fact alone indicates that I can never be truly stable emotionally. It is my support systems that will provide that kick int he ass that I need to keep going and work hard. So to all of you who are doing that I now I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So on that note, I am making a vow to walk with my head held high and taking the world by storm. Finally coming into a place of wakefulness, security, and confidence it’s the next step to putting these feelings into action. I deserve to feel proud of what I’ve become and worthy of all the good things that have come my way. I should never feel bad about doing things that’ll make me stronger because nobody can have too much personal strength. Personal power is something nobody can take from you. It’s the most bountiful resource you can gather, so why not get more than your fair share?
At The End Of Hibernation: