39 Weeks Sober

Today I am 276 days sober!

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Have you ever caught yourself staring out the window staring at an ordinary view? Do you get caught up in the dream to be somewhere other than what you’re seeing? I Do. We spend precious time abstracting a plain reality because we are unhappy with what we see. Daydream after daydream we indulge in our escapism that seeks to enlighten us. It seeks to comfort us that everything will be better, even if it takes until the very last breath of our existence.

I surprise myself quite frequently with just how driven I am to achieve the goals, dreams, and desires that I am working toward. Ruthlessly pushing myself to my breaking point and jeopardizing my well-being, I begin wonder. Is this all too much? Am I getting it all wrong? Is this really what is going to be best for me in the long run? I would like to think so. However, I am struggling to accept that this quest for self-fulfillment and happiness is worth every ounce of my being. I am not convinced that I will be happy when everything is said and done. I say that because I am not concerned with anyone but myself. Although I think it is highly situational considering the time period of my life and personal circumstances, I feel that I am missing something. What I’m missing is beyond me and because of pressures exerted upon me and choices I have made, I am not able to experience this realm beyond. I would like to though.

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My life is currently a selfish effort. Everything I am working towards and preparing for considers nobody else, but myself. It saddens me to no end. When talking with people it always comes back to what I’m doing and how my life is going. I don’t mind being the topic of conversation, but I am tired of having to talk about myself. I am more curious to know what is going on in the lives of people I care about. Unfortunately, I am not able to have these conversations because I do not have the time. I take that back. I do have some time, but not as much as I would like to have. I hate talking to people about the superficial shit. I want the deep cuts. I want to know all about the things that you hold near and dear to your heart. Those memories and stories you rarely share with anyone other than yourself.

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Anyways, I wish it didn’t have to be this way. It’s the exchange we make, I guess, to become established and recognized. You basically give yourself over to your conception of what your life should look like. From there you spend your whole life in an aloof state of madness trying to make that fantasy a reality. Many come close, but often so many fall short. The lucky few get exactly what they want. I hope to be one of the lucky ones, but is it worth the insanity? Can you be confident that you won’t deceive yourself? Is there any sense of balance in this greedy pursuit of personal glory?

To go about your journey alone would be a foolish mistake. One I have made and paid the consequences for. I cannot stress enough the importance of others in your life. Too often we forget about those we care about in our personal journeys of growth. A sad price we pay for bettering ourselves. I do not want to pay this price. I do not want to be so lost in my own world that I forget about the worlds outside my own. For all too often my world intersects with others and to ignore those bridges of connections is something a true narcissist would subscribe to. We have to be there for others as they have been there for us. Even if your schedule doesn’t allow it, you make time because those connections will follow you to the grave if you properly care for them. Be successful and do everything in your power to earn that success, but don’t forget you are not the only human being to exist. Make sure to take time and go outside yourself and engage in the lives of others. For a united front is stronger than a sole soldier when faced with the might of opposition embedded in each of our lives.

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Building Connections:

Taylor James

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