Today I am 9 Months Sober!
I find myself stuck. Stuck in a situation where I am not sure what it really is that makes me happy. I am beginning to think I will never know what true happiness is in its most raw and pure form. That happiness you see in the movies when two lovers become one with each other after years of ups and downs. That happiness you see in the smile of a child running in an open field without a care in the world. That happiness you feel within your soul when the world lets you have your way and your biggest dreams come true.
I can’t shake this notion out of head. It has been a consistent theme passing through my mind over the last month. I’m afraid I am slowly convincing myself that that excitement and bliss of happiness is just not something that I’ll be ever to achieve. My life story has consisted of many harsh realities that seem to come one after another like a slap to the face. My spirit collapses from the force of each blow and because of this I am broken. Broken to the point where I don’t ever believe I could be fully repaired. A lot is salvageable though and I have to live with that. I have no choice. My trauma has hurt me. My drinking has told me lies. My insecurities made me compliant. My past self is nothing but a memory. A mirage I only see in my dreams only to be dashed away with the rising sun. All I can do is start over. 9 months ago I did.
Overwhelmed by all the change that has been happening in my life, it’s only natural that I look to the past. It was a simpler time. A time where I falsely believed the world would offer it’s helping hand to me and carry me through. Instead it slammed the door in my face and sent me wandering all over. Playing a game of trial and error, I would do the work alone. After a series of egregious errors, I decided to try something else. Sobriety was my something else.
It has been on this journey of sobriety that I am beginning to realize what makes me happy and what doesn’t. Dwelling in the past and becoming ill with nostalgia has brought me a sense of confidence that I did not believe I had before. Although I am scared that I may never find what will make me happy, I am confident enough to wait and be patient. My impulsive need to find happiness brought me nothing but pain. I was empty. Every happiness I had was temporary. Either taken away from me or abandoned on my own accord. So why did I crave an opportunity to live that life again? I believe it’s because it was one of the first times in my life I experienced freedom. I was under no one’s control, not even my own. I could recklessly indulge in whatever I chose because nobody told me I couldn’t. I was free to do as I please. I found happiness in this freedom and in the people who came along for the ride. It wasn’t until the car ran out of gas and I became stranded in a desolate desert did I realize the evil of it all. In that moment of deep crisis I had no one. I was indefinitely alone. Every ounce of joy had been rung out of towel in which I cried years of pain into. I was at a crossroads. Would I accept the loneliness I had created for myself or make a u-turn and back track? I chose the latter. I did not want my past to be the blueprint for my future.
What made me happy then does not make me happy now. In fact, quite the opposite. It makes me sad. I feel as if I have lost a lot of time. I also feel that I am going to gain so much more time because of my choices and growth in sobriety and recovery. What makes me happy now is knowing that every choice I make I am in control of. I securely hold the reigns of the horse we call life. I will lead the horse to water and then I shall drink from the pool of bounty, reaping the benefits of determination and drive. What makes me happy is knowing that although my progress into the future will be plagued by pains of the past, I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am happy because I made the choice to start over. I am happy because I am not letting anything other than myself define my existence. I have assumed my freedom in a different sense. I credit my newfound freedom from a period of nostalgia that has restored the pride in my progress. A powerful reminder that I have taken my life back. A call to action to keep professing my truth.
I must remember to not let the past define the future. I must remember that from a hellish past I have opened the doors to a heavenly future. I must remember to not submit myself to the will of others. I don’t have to hurt anymore.
Embracing My New Reality: