Today I am 262 days sober!
Do we really know where we are going to end up when it’s all said and done? Will we just wander aimlessly throughout our ever so precious and often too short lives? Are we at the will of fate who has predetermined our lives climax? Is there any truth in saying that we are in control of our own destiny? These are questions that have been crossing my mind like all familiar shooting stars in the night sky. We assume we know where they will continue when they pass out of out of a frame of view, but it truly is a mystery we can never know. Visions continually flash upon the screens within our mind, but much like the commercials on a neglected television late at night, quickly escape our consciousness. Long forgotten until called upon by a familiar time.
I am beginning to wonder if I am stuck. I am convinced that I am wandering about my life with no direction. I have goals. I have ambitions. I know I am on a better path. To where? I have no idea. So much of my life has gone on autopilot lately. So much so that my usual distractions don’t even phase me. I can’t quite grasp this phenomenon lately and it is bothering me. I haven’t felt this out of control of my life’s direction since my days of drinking. It seems that sobriety has led me on a path that has taken me to a point in which the summit looks out into a vast emptiness. I know this is not the case, but at this stage in my recovery process this is where I am. I am just starting at the emptiness trying to discern the images and insights hidden in the dark, looming apparition before me.
I feel lost. Not the kind of lost when you can’t follow a conversation, but the kind of lost where I’m alone in the wilderness with civilization far out of sight. I don’t know where to go from here or where to begin. I catch myself going through my days as if I’m walking on egg shells trying not to disturb the peace. I catch myself wanting to give into my impulse and relish in some cheap thrills, absentminded of the consequences. It’s a battle of the wills. Will I or won’t I? Everyone watching intently from the seats above unsure if it will be a divine comedy or a star-crossed tragedy. I am holding my heart in my hands unsure to let go or pull it closer. Holding back the tears of uncertainty of what will become of me.
Despite all this worry and upset, I remain hopeful. Those who have faith shall prosper. I long to be immortal. I want to be the ruler of my own empire. A kingdom I can rule over and claim as my own. Built from the ground up fueled by a burning desire and fierce determination. Liberated though the fruits of my labor. I haven’t got this far by just letting the wind take me wherever it blows. I have held strong like the Great Wall. I can and will stand the test of time. For within my mind I can become the 8th wonder of the world. A testament to the power in which I possess and hold.
Fighting a Silent War: