Today I am 255 days sober!
You know that longing to regain a part of you that seems to manifest itself in wistful dreams late at night? It’s been nothing but a never-ending movie in mind lately. I have to ask myself why? Why am I getting so caught up in past memories that weren’t always that great? Maybe it’s because my life lately has been so future focused? I’m not sure. I’m still figuring it out myself, but I have some theories. A lot of these memories, even though they were tied to bouts of drinking and self-sabotage, at their core they represent something much deeper. These moments were the few times in my life where I felt completely free from my mental turmoil and series of unfortunate events. I was free. I was free, but at the expense of my health and well-being. I was free to make choices without any consequences. I was free to explore and do so unrestrained. I was free to let all of my inhibitions go and let the core of my existence shine through.
So looking back, was it really all that damaging to do what I did? I am convinced it had to happen. If I had never experienced that absolute freedom, blinded by rose-colored glasses and youthful curiosity, I would have nothing to live for now. Sobriety would still be a life choice others wished for me that I would always refuse. I wouldn’t have had the glorious rise and tragic fall. I would forever be stuck in an romanticized indie movie taking it one day at a time. Looking to the stars for an answer only for the sun to rise with no solution. I would be forever empty. I would always be wanting more. A door would always open, but mine would remain locked and closed.
I suspect the reason for my consistent time in the past is because I’m longing to indulge in the absolute freedom of my past. I know that I cannot indulge in a large majority of past vices and experiences, but there are some that I truly believe would be beneficial to reincorporate. I’ve been struggling lately with a persistent depressing feeling. I can only describe it as like being trapped under an overcast sky knowing the sun is shining somewhere else and you can’t experience it. My life is lacking a sense of pleasure. I have become subject to a mundane and predictable life and it’s dragging me down. These visions of the past are helping to keep the depression at bay. Even though they keep me moving I am impatient. I know that there is a time coming in the future where I will find this absolute freedom again, but I think I need a slight taste to quell this anxiety and depression. Is it wrong of me to ask for a sense of pleasure? Sobriety is not supposed to feel constricting and yet I have allowed it to be. I have let it trap me in a head space that is not benefitting me. No way am I considering relapsing, but I fear that if I do not make choices to find pleasure in healthy ways I could be in trouble.
This week I came to understand that I cannot attribute everything in my drinking past as something negative. I know that this is a time period, as much as I want to forget, I will always remember in one form or another. I have a responsibility to define this period in a way that captures the period in its entirety. As I move forward in my sobriety, I am focusing less on the negative and more on the positive which is ultimately shaping my perception of what happened. That being said, I hope to incorporate some of the positive pleasures of my dark addict days into my new sober life. As I continue to reflect and work through my addictions and vices I hope to find this overwhelming sense of pleasure I once felt. I know that my personal freedom is embodied in a sense of pleasurable bliss and I must regain that to feel whole.
Looking For a Thrill: