Today I am 234 days sober!
This week I found myself tripping a little bit. I didn’t fall hard but I definitely lost my balance throughout the ordeal. Maybe it was because the stress of final projects? I still don’t really know exactly what happened, but I’m happy to say that I’m feeling much better and more stable.
It all began with me smoking. I have a very complex relationship with cigarettes. They’re both a way to crave addiction and serve as a symbol of my mental state. Anyways, this week I was called back to them. The weather and mood were just right. The scene was set and all it was missing was its actor. Me. So, after I had gotten home for the day I quickly bundled up, ran to the store to buy pack of little fixes, and headed out to my favorite spot to unwind. Next to the rough waters, dark waters of Puget Sound sitting on a small rock just above the sea-foam, I assumed my role center stage. With the flick of the lighter, a small flame is produced and becomes intertwined with the thin paper of my cigarette; warming its tar black core. It then grazes my lips and I breathe life into this lifeless thing that could in fact one day take my own life. Oh the irony of it all.
Why did I do it? Loneliness. I needed something to occupy my time and keep me company. I realized this week just how dangerous it is for me to be alone. It’s not that I am completely incapable of doing things without people, but I like to be environments where I am in constant contact with them. I guess this is what I get for being an extrovert. I need to express myself and more importantly express myself with people, otherwise I get caught up in my own head and fall victim to all the voices that want to take me back. Take me back to the days I could not see my worth. The days where I had no voice. The days so deeply saturated in pain that it seemed that there would never be an escape. I can’t let myself become lonely.
It has occurred to me that I need to make a stronger effort to reach out to my friends and others who I want to be in company of. I get so focused in my work that I can become completely oblivious to that which does not exist outside this world of my work. It’s a curse and a blessing to have my work ethic. I always get things done and have had high level of achievements my whole life. However, this go-getter, type A personality attitude that I have inherited (thanks mom and dad), can really keep me from going out and enjoying time with those who I love and care about. I run around preaching how much I love to socialize and in reality spend many nights locked up at home working on some kind of project. So hypocritical, am I right? Social interaction is something I am missing and I’m realizing it now. I’m not really happy with the process I had to go through to figure it out, but I’m thankful for the insights.
As spring break approaches, I am actively working to pack my days with hangout sessions with my friends. I am going to take the upcoming couple weeks to revitalize myself in the company of others. I spent the last 3 weeks or so in an extremely isolated environment and it was not good for my mental health whatsoever. Isolation exacerbates all my negative emotions and triggers my PTSD and as a result drives me to try to cope in unhealthy ways. Luckily, cigarettes were enough this time.
Enjoying Your Company: