32 Weeks Sober.

Today I am 227 days sober!

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Nothing makes me more mad then when someone tells me that the way I do things is wrong or calls into question my ability to do what I do. I’m the kind of person who will stand there and defend myself, even if it means that I shoot myself in the foot in the process to make a point that I either can or cannot prove. That being said, I would never strip your opinion of its value. In fact, I advocate for the freedom to express that opinion because it makes the world more vibrant having competing ideas and beliefs. If everyone felt the same way about everything how could we make changes to anything? Anyways. What I’m trying to get at is I am headstrong. As a capricorn, how could I not be? Headstrong is a character trait I think many of us regard as negative and associate with people who are obstinate, unruly, and inflexible. Even though there is some truth in that, I don’t look at it this way. I love that I am headstrong. I think it’s one of my favorite qualities about myself for what it has allowed me to be and achieve throughout my life. If I wasn’t headstrong I would be less exciting as a human being.

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People who are headstrong have this fire in them that burns much brighter than people who do no to possess this trait. It’s that fire that has pushed me forward in life and ultimately led to where I am today. Going back to my initial statement, a large component of my success thus far in my journey of sobriety is proving to people who thought I was incapable of staying sober wrong. Oh, are they sorry now for ever doubting me! I am confident in my abilities to achieve things that I put my mind to and my headstrong attitude serves as the spring board to get me off and running. Because of my unique identities, I have spent a lot of my life having to show people that I have something to prove. Since I refuse to do things conventionally, people think I am absolutely crazy and out of my mind half the time. I don’t fucking care.

My insistence on doing things my own way and commitment to my values and beliefs has been the secret to my success. My refusal to budge and give in to others has allowed me to have such a wildly eccentric and extraordinary life thus far. My headstrong ways have allowed me to gain a sense of fulfillment that cannot be measured with any conventional form of success. It’s much deeper and more personal than that. Always in a competition with myself, I will never stop improving and strengthening. Forced by my own conscious to be the best I can be.

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Being headstrong allows me the confidence and self-assurance to stand up to my critics and shut them down with dignity and creative tact. I know in my heart what I’m doing is right for me and therefore I will do what I feel regardless of the taunts and attempts to shake me. All too often, you’ll hear people tell me to shut my mouth and keep my thoughts to myself. What really gets me going is when people say there’s a time and place for that and it’s not here. I can’t help but laugh in their faces when they say stupid shit like that. Many times this confidence and willingness to defend my existence has put me in a position to be called a prima donna. I am a prima donna at the root of my existence.

I not ashamed to admit to it because I am proud of how this unique combination of characteristics has contributed to the creation of my personality. Why is it a bad thing to be a headstrong prima donna? Although sometimes overly flamboyant and impossible to understand, these people never give into those who seek to change them and make them more “acceptable” in  behavior. When did it become customary to discredit and tear people down who know what they want and can do? Why do we seek to torment those who have an established sense of confidence and understanding of themselves? Insecurity and envy. I blame those two emotions for the backlash. If we all embraced our inner headstrong prima donna, I believe we all could be our best selves. We must demand the best if we want to be the best. 

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This week these ideas have been on my mind a lot. I don’t know exactly what inspired them, but I am glad they have come to my attention. It allowed me an opportunity to have a conversation with myself and reject the negative stigma surrounding some of my core personality traits. Throughout my life there have been times where embodying the inner headstrong prima donna within me has left me lonely. Nobody could understand why I acted the way I did, so I was exiled. All I was trying to do was express myself and it came across as a disorganized ego-driven attempt to make me stand out at the expense of others. What’s different now is that I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses and utilize this dichotomy effectively to benefit myself without relying on others.

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Before sobriety, all this fire, obstinance, and confidence was lulled into silence. A short nap became a long slumber. Many key components of my best and most lively self were threatened with extinction. I stepped out of the unique niche I fought hard and tirelessly to have, to hide away in a tomb of self-loathing and hatred. What I know now and didn’t know then was being a second rate, cleaned up version of myself benefitted no one. I was doing a disservice to myself by letting other things and people control my existence. I won’t lose that fight again. This prima donna is reclaiming her spot as the alpha. Headstrong and full of pride, good luck taking my spotlight.

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Wearing the Crown:

Taylor James

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