Today I am 220 days sober!
More often than not we are faced with decisions. Decisions about the most minute little things such as what kind of coffee you want in the morning and where you will go to get it. Also the decisions that will drastically alter the direction your life will take. These outcomes are always unknown. With the devil and the angel on each of your shoulders, you never know which has stepped forward to provide you guidance in making this kind of decision. A mystery and puzzle that will baffle you until the next decision is made.
Decisions are things we like to avoid and neglect. We cleverly rationalize to ourselves every excuse manageable to deter us from doing what we know we must do. It really highlights just how insecure we are as human beings without the support and validation from others around us. Quite often, we let these people make the decision for us because the burden of thinking independently for ourselves is too overwhelming. I’m not saying human beings are helpless and unable to think for themselves, but they do need guidance. In the overly critical and shaming culture we live in, it’s impossible to tread water and stay afloat from sinking into the vast pool of conformity. We choose to sink instead of swim because the deeper we go, the decision gets further away from us. Sitting solemnly above the surface, its presence does not simply disappear. It waits. Waits patiently for you to resurface and face it once again.
One of our greatest gifts granted through our evolutionary process is our rational, yet we do not use it in moments of decision. We forget that this rational allows us to choose what we want to do and how to do it. The ability to decide is the epitome of free-will. We are all inherently born with free-will and yet cannot exercise it. Why? I believe it to be the sheer fact we have been belittled into believing that we cannot exist independently of the majority. I am here to say that it is possible. I am living this truth on a day-to-day basis. I exercise my ability to make decisions for the betterment of myself. Can you?
This week I exercised this right and was reminded the consequences of stepping over boundaries and breaking the mold. I won’t go into detail because it extremely disheartening for me to discuss, but I will talk about the feelings I felt. My decision to better myself ultimately left me feeling guilty, rejected, ostracized, and troubled. Ironic isn’t it? Ironic that an act to promote positivity and self-love was an effective catalyst to conjure a response of anger with hints of blasphemy and shame and adorned with disrespect. I am not surprised I received backlash and I prepared for it ahead of time. I was ready to stand up for myself and defend my choice. Having let people make me feel guilty about my choices in the past, I was not going to concede to their wishes. Drinking was a way to numb my rebellious spirit and dilute my being into a version myself that was acceptable and desirable. Oh how I beat myself up for letting myself get to this point. I am embarrassed it happened, but I know better now. Now I am unapologetically making decisions that benefit ME and nobody else. My room full of advisors has been dissolved and my office locked to the outside world. Executive decision are made by me and myself only.
Do I still struggle with making decisions? Absolutely. Can I help the fact that I feel selfish sometimes when I do? No. As someone who naturally likes to keep peace and order, I am consistently in conflict with my inner free spirit and people pleaser. As my recovery and sobriety has progressed, the people pleaser had been subdued greatly. My actions last week are a testament to this. I wanted to liberate myself from a burden and in doing so shocked and upset people. I do not apologize for what I did because its significance and importance to me far outweighs the repercussions. That was my choice, NOT YOURS. My choices do not affect you and if you think they do then it looks like you have some decisions to make. What those decisions are I cannot tell you, but you must make them concerning your relationship to me and this process. Because I am not compromising who I am for the sake of keeping peace and harmony in a world where those do not exist. I will not feed into a fantasy that does not support me or my beliefs.
Decisions are the fuel that keeps our life fire going. I have learned to face them and make them from a position that aligns with what I value and believe in. Having lived my life as a puppet of others because of my inability to have control over my mind is no longer an issue. It began with the first big decision I had made in a long time. Sobriety. Sobriety has given me the control and authority to make decisions again. However, the decisions are much more bold, well thought out, and significant than they used to. They are no longer superficial decisions about what kind of alcohol I will drink that night or which boy will get the chance to fuck me. They’re deeper and liberating. I challenge all of you to make a decision this week. A decision of the more drastic and liberating kind. Whether it be good or bad, that’s up to you. Just make sure the only person who benefits from it is you. When you can make decisions for yourself, you discover your truth.