Today I am 213 days sober!
With every passing week and every lesson taught I become more comfortable. Comfortable in my decision to be sober and content with the unfolding of events, epiphanies, and insights gained in order to retake control over my life. Part of regaining this control is allowing myself the freedom and ability to express myself that brings me the most power and pleasure. Over the past 30 weeks I have slowly taken the power back from my long-held anxieties and insecurities that dictated my life for far too long. Instead of soaring high with the birds, I was crawling in the dirt amongst the worms. I handed myself over in a state of vulnerability only to be taken advantage of and lured into a falsehood of detrimental proportions. However, I am not a prisoner anymore. This week I have taken even more power back from these opposing forces. In fact, this week I have regained powers back that I for so long celebrated and cherished. They are powers that are unique to me and my way of living and perceiving the world. My Sexuality and Sensuality. It is in these two powers I am able to embrace and express my beauty, both surface level and skin deep. It is in these powers I am able show the world what kind of love I can give others and myself. It is in these powers that I feel a personal freedom and joy that no high could ever replace.
Even though I struggled with an eating disorder and body dismorphia issues, I took every opportunity to show off my shape, body, and figure. By forcing myself into these situations where I would have to confront my body in the presence of a mirror or others, I built a confidence within myself. I am beautiful and worthy of attention is what I would tell myself. There were a lot of tears, a lot of skipped meals, and hours spent over a toilet, but I never gave up on the quest. I knew in my heart that I could be beautiful and I knew that doing all this fucked up and self-destructive shit was not going to help. Guess what? I did. However doing so wasn’t easy and ultimately I was so insecure I had to drink to make myself feel beautiful. And here we are now. 4 years later, sober, and possessing a more mature and developed understanding of what body confidence is. I know now that the key is confidence. As long as you can love what you look like others will to. The key to becoming beautiful lies in your own perception of yourself.
So, let’s talk about sex. Well sexuality, but you get the point. My body appearance was my only source of understanding what beauty was as an insecure, mentally disturbed adolescent. Then I had sex. Sex changed my whole perspective on what it felt like to be beautiful. All it took was an hour late at night with my boyfriend of the time to be thrust into this new and exciting world of sexuality and sensuality. One time became 3, then 10, and then I lost count at a rate most people still gasp at. Sex became my other addiction. When I wasn’t wasting my sorrows away drinking under the moonlight, I was seeking out erotic pleasure in the company of strangers to ease my loneliness. At first, all this sex was creating a very positive self-image within myself and allowed me to experience the thrill of pure ecstasy. Then it took a turn for the worst. Out of fear I would eventually be tossed aside for somebody better, I gave into the men I slept with. I let myself become an object of pleasure. Sometimes not with my consent. It was in this time period of my life where the combination of my two addictions systematically worked together to erase any ounce of self-worth I had. I went from a beautiful empowered goddess to a ransacked temple that had all its valuable artifacts stolen. I was empty. All because of sex. Sex rejuvenated me. Sex destroyed me. I began to wonder if I would ever recover.
Flash forward to now. Now disengaged with the lifestyle that caused me so much turmoil, I am able to enjoy the benefits of sex and all its wonderful toe-curling pleasure. It took a long time to get here though. The last couple of weeks I’ve noticed I don’t talk negatively about my body. I don’t fear what sex could bring. I accept my body for what it is. It is this change of perception and self-talk that has signaled to me that I once again am empowered by my sexuality and sensuality. Now in control of my body and my anxieties suppressed, I am incredibly free. Every day I wake up and just wish to stay naked because I am so proud and in love with the body I have been given and want to bare it all in its purest, nude form.
Nudity is something I find beautiful and wish our culture also saw it that way. Being naked allows for everything to be stripped away and for your purest identity to come to the surface. The beauty of nudity lies within the vulnerability and expose of one’s inner feelings on their skin, the stories in their eyes, and the secrets behind their lips. Nudity is only objectifying if you allow for it to be. Your sexual perception is what you make of it. Instead of hanging your head in shame, hold it high and smile proudly. You have nothing to be ashamed of. To embrace your sexuality in a world of slut shaming is true courage. To make love with your body is the most intimate form of connection. To understand the power of your body is one of the most liberating feelings in the world. The power to control your body comes from a sense of acceptance and love that nobody could ever give you except yourself. It’s this kind of awareness only the most intuitive of people can understand. Liberating your body from your mind empowers personal agency in all aspects of life. You choose to express yourself accordingly. You choose to love deeper. You pursue pleasure without the fear of pain.
Next time you look in the mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are. You deserve to know. You are entitled to feel so. Don’t let anybody else say so.
Baring it All: