Today I am 206 days sober!
I got a much needed break this week. A mini vacation from my all too familiar surroundings. A wonderful opportunity to just take a deep breath and consider all the weight I’m feeling within my body. Carefully I picked through and pulled out some of these feelings from my mind with the intention to set them free. Breathing out gently with a sincerity to never see these feelings again. Did I get all the gunk out? No. But what I did manage to release has already made me feel so much lighter. Enjoying this new sense of elation and elevated mood, I am seizing this moment to make bounds of progress. I’m overtaken with a thrill of excitement concerning the successful future dangling right out in front me, just within reach. I’m hoping this will last. Having spent the last couple of months recollecting myself quietly, I’m asking the world to treat me kindly and help me prosper. I want the world to finally come to recognize the person I aim to/have come to be.
Many would say, “Taylor. Hasn’t becoming sober made you the person you always wanted to be?” My answer to them is, “Yes, but not entirely.” Sobriety was just the first motion back into a more positive and mindful life that I had lost. What would come after that was up for me to decide and create accordingly. So far it has been a deep and emotional process of refining and restructuring of my mind, body, and soul. Although there is more to do in those areas, I have evolved into a state of being where it’s time to put it all into action. Throughout this process there has been one powerful entity hanging over my head. It’s held me captive and in restraint from really unleashing my full potential. DOGMA. The dogma of others is what’s keeping me check.
For someone who all too often boasts about owning their uniqueness and individuality, there are some days I just cannot. I hand myself over to the opinions of others on days when I’m just not 100% sure about who I am. These anxieties are settled when I discount my eccentricities and let the world normalize and “fix” me. Can you blame me though? Who wouldn’t want a second opinion in a state of uncertainty? We live in a culture that places your worth and value on the number of likes you get, the number of followers you have, and the reach of your influence through these social media platforms. What’s even more ironic is that I’m contributing to this culture by telling my story. My story that is so personal and raw is being judged solely on its superficial ability to attract attention and readers. It makes me sick to think we have reduced people and their stories to a shallow form of amusement at the expense of their worth and well-being. Anyways. What I’m trying to say is that we are the victim of a horrible dogma that tells us to be and act a certain way. It’s ideology is so strong and convincing it’s virtually impossible to escape the trance it holds on us.
My happiness lies in the rejection of this dogma. When I say fuck it to those who try to belittle me and make me feel inferior, I gain all the power in the world. I consciously make an effort to not become a bitch of the world’s wishes. I have to remind myself everyday that I know what’s best for myself because when all is said is done: nobody knows you better than yourself. Boldly go against what those around you think is best for you because really, what do they know? They’re not you. They never were you. They will never be you! Even those closest to us don’t even know us. Scary, but all to true. Everything you do and everything you should be is because it’s what YOU want. A wise man once said the perfect marriage exists when what you love and what you’re good at align in harmony. Find that. That’s that soulmate we all wait for impatiently to come sweep us off our feet on a big white horse. Little did we know that soulmate lies within us in the form of fulfillment. Fulfillment is that lover we neglect to acknowledge because there is something better out there. Truth is, there’s not. So stop wasting your time and give yourself what you deserve.
Destroy the dogma of disagreement. Throw your middle finger in the air and wave it around in defiance if you must. If there is anything I have come to recognize that the only person you should please is yourself in moments when your choices and actions come into question. Selfishly own who you are and what you’re about and the respect and notoriety will follow. As I continue to move forward I must remind myself to be that person I see in my dreams at night because in those moments I am the happiest. Backlash is nothing to fear, especially if it’s over something you feel passionate and strongly about. Never feel guilty about purposeful living.
With The World At My Will: