Today I am days 199 sober!
Looking back at my past I realized I’ve had many negative experiences over the past four years. Prior to this dark age, I had little to no negativity in my life. I lived a life that radiated positivity so bright it seemed to touch everyone that was around me. I was doing things that brought me so much joy and allowed me to feel a true sense of happiness. I wish I never allowed myself to shatter into a shell of what I used to be. I wish I never let the pressure of others get to me. I wish I had stuck to my guns and carried my own as I had done up until the onset of college. This happiness I lost. I am actively and aggressively trying to regain this sense of elation. It all starts with a goal. It all began with a dream.
This week in therapy I was instructed to list 10 overwhelmingly positive experiences in my life as well as 10 negative ones. I figured that I would begin with the positive first since it is usually the negative that comes to my mind. As I began listing off my positive moments there was a similar trend between all of them. The most joyful and overwhelmingly euphoric moments of my life were moments that I saw success and steps forward to achieving my dreams and passions. My dreams. When I am working with a passionate fire toward my dreams I gain the key to access the happiness I locked away and deprived myself from. It was that ambition and commitment to my dreams that allowed me to overcome bouts of self-doubt and weakness. Why it completely vanished while I drank I still don’t understand. Only time will grant me that answer. For now though, I’m okay with not knowing why because I am grateful the fire has come back. I am focused and heading back into a direction where my dreams can become a reality.
It got me thinking. Dreams. Why are they so important? Why do we surrender to the pursuit of these dreams with such uncertainty? How is it that we never seem to give up on search despite the constant obstacles? These are some questions I pondered. My dreams give me purpose. They’ve made me work hard and have helped me realize the resilience and strength I have within. Chasing my dreams has taught me discipline and the benefit of putting 120% of your effort into something you love. The longing to achieve my dreams has also taught me to have faith. Faith that the dedication and sacrifice will be worth it in the end. “If you want it, go out and grab it by the horns,” they say. “Do what you feel is right in your heart and the success will come in leaps and bounds,” they preach blindly without knowing the real hurdles many must jump. Privileged will rise with the sea in a state of blissful ease. Others, like myself, will have to swim for dear life to keep from drowning in the depths. It’s a never-ending battle to keep us dreamers out. The ingenious plan to try to force into a bleak acceptance. A pitiful attempt to keep a status quo. You haven’t heard the last of me. This is not the last time you will see me.
I think it’s safe to say that we all want to be written in the stars. We all want to have respect and appreciation from others in the work that we do. We want to feel accomplished. I believe that every human is born with a purpose and that we will give our lives to fulfilling that purpose. Martyrs in our own right, we want to be remembered for making a difference in the world we lived in. All of us have the potential to do so, but many of us do not act on this desire. Mainly because we are not given a fair chance. Most of us are picked over like clothes on the rack because Vogue does not want us. We are out and others are in. So, do you sell out? It seems the most logical. NEVER. To do so would undermine your purpose. Your dreams at that point a mockery. A puppet of the society. Fight for your right and break the mold. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Your dreams and ambitions will take you there.
This week I am making a commitment to my dreams because without them I have nothing to look forward to once my adversity is triumphed. The desire to reach my dreams is intense and powerful like a hypnotic hold. My happiness is embedded in this journey and found in the self-fulfillment of reaching the top. I must overlook the fear in my heart and my mind and move into a more brave and less inhibited space. It’s time for me to come out of hiding. End my hiatus and get back to the place I know I belong. The stage. A place so vulnerable and in front of the world. I am craving that spotlight and the opportunity to sing and express my story through lyrics and dance. My return to the art of expression began months ago with this blog and now I’m ready to launch the next step. Get in front of the microphone and reconnect with my deepest passion. Music. Moments of nostalgia have reinvigorated my love of getting lost in the melodies and harmonies. The performer I almost lost to the past is on their way out. They’re ready to make their mark and take their place. Clinging to a dream and full faith that this fantasy will become truth. Hear my voice loud.
Singing Through the Night: