Today I am 171 days sober!
The first week of the new year has come and gone and it’s ultimately got me thinking. Thinking about not only moving forward with the resolutions and goals I have set forth, but also doing so successfully. To do this, I ultimately must turn to my past and learn from the countless mistakes and failures I made to ensure a desired result. Alcohol had kept me locked in a vicious cycle of reaching for an unattainable fantasy only to be let down when I could never get there each passing year. My ambition had not once faded, but the rational and reasoning to get to where I wanted to go was non-existent. Like a lost relic rotting somewhere in the ground, nowhere to be found. This year however, things will be different. I am coherent and present. Equipped and ready for whatever this year might try to throw at me. With the echoing bang from a loaded gun, fast like a dart, bolting forward; I’m on the run.
Each new years day I wake up to a shuttering and spine chilling feeling that overtakes my body. I can only think of a few words to describe it. Failure. Disappointment. Regret. Anger. Just to name a few. See, my whole life was heading in the right direction and then I decided that booze and pills were more important than my aspirations and passions. All four of these feelings are directed at myself entirely. No one else. My decision to ignore these problematic feelings and not face them had built up over time. This eruption of emotion is something I neglected to take into account knowing the pattern of my new years day breakdowns. This is the first year I have dealt with these emotions. Doing it sober was brutal. I shut down completely and locked myself away from the world for a couple of days. They were a dark couple days plagued with crippling insecurity and self-doubt. I managed to pull through and am now in the process of making peace with these emotions. Some time in meditation is something I owe myself this coming week to calm and ease my mind. Withdrawn from it all I can come to a place within my being and drive this negativity out and allow space for positivity to grow. Holding myself close and igniting a small burning ember to warm this unsure heart.
The coming of the new year also means I’m back to school again for winter quarter. I’m happy with my classes and hoping these classes will push and build off what I’ve learned so far in this degree program. With my graduation date just on the horizon (end of summer quarter), I am committed to doing well and finishing school strong. This whole college process has been so trying and tested me in ways I cannot describe to you. I’m hoping for another successful quarter and continued success in my academic career this year.
Off And Running: