Today I am 164 days sober!
Tonight I sit here alone in this room surrounded by the quiet illumination of candlelight. It is New Years Eve. While my friends and others are out and about ringing in the new year with a loud bang, I sit at home and allow for the inevitable introspection fill my mind. Sipping on my pomegranate sparkling cider infused with redbull I am determined to make it till midnight and welcome 2017. I wanted to take this evening to really reflect on this year. One of the most impactful and powerful years of my life, I deserve the opportunity to relish in the achievements and failures. Without these I would not be sitting here still sober. Within me is a roaring determination to make the most of the lost time throughout the 4 years flooded with liquor laden tragedy. I owe it to myself to take this moment and reaffirm the goals and desires I set out on this journey of sobriety with the coming of a new year. The climb has been steady and upward and I intend to continue this trend. Like a hot air balloon, I will rise.
2016. A year for the history books. A year of disruption and discourse. Not a single soul that I have spoken to has made it out unscathed by the relentless bombarding of instability. I am no exception. Yes, I managed to finally quit drinking and get sober, but it was no easy task. I had to let my body physically and mentally implode within itself before I found the strength to wave the white flag high. I surrendered. I overcame. I extinguished the demons inside. Giving way to a bleak and battered past and ushering in a period of revival. I was about to walk a road untouched by human footsteps. I was to trust and follow a route that fate has predetermined for me. This is something I foolishly accepted. I was not about to go wherever the wind took me. That’s how I got into this prolonged mess in the first place. Not this time. My senses are heightened to an all time high and I will not let myself be a victim of life. I survived. I am alive.
When it came to love this year, I walked the line. Opened myself to the wrong people and allowed myself to be torn down. In the process, giving up my innate sense of free will to get caught up in a fleeting romantic thrill. I do not regret the tears that I have cried. I have never been lucky in love. The people I met this year, although they hurt me, have made me stronger and broke down my walls. Guarded and distant I cannot be anymore with matters of the heart. I am jaded and it has made me bitter, but I can only hope that the passing of time and new outlook on relationships will make me softer. Although the pain would constantly drive me to the point of drinking, I needed to feel this heartbreak. It is here in these moments of mourning I came to understand my relationship to love. I long to be loved. I have learned to love myself over these past 5 months and it’s now putting me in a place where I could love again. As the relationship with myself has strengthened, my heart has grown stronger. I have become more open. I have become more willing. I have come to embody the traits of vulnerability. Now more than ever I can deeply feel the emotions I so longed to neglect. Through all this instability I have found my beauty.
As much as darkness did plagued this year for me, there is much to celebrate! I can say that I am finally getting back what was taken from me. I am growing into the person that I always fantasized about in my most vivid dreams. I am proud of the work I have put in and will with no shame make a toast to myself tonight. I have learned that making changes requires the utmost discipline and effort your body can muster. The work is grueling and pushes a person to their limits. I am thankful for my ambitious, stubborn, and strong-willed nature as it has kept me focused. I intend to take this laser focus into the upcoming year and improve myself even more. This reinvention is more complex than just changing your clothes and dying your hair. This reinvention is occurring in birth of new cells in my body as the toxic ones meet their demise and the healthy ones multiply. Biology at its finest working its magic.
CHOICES. That’s the one word that defines the course of my year. Everything thing that happened to me good and bad was the result of a choice I made. Choices are going to define the rest of the life that I am to live. This year the biggest lesson I learned is the power of choice. With that being said, next year I have already made some decisions about the choices I wish to make. I’m going to share those with you now:
Next Year I Plan To:
- Continue to write
- Improve my health further
- Release myself from past traumas
- Create daily
- Perform/record my music
- Meditate weekly
- STAY SOBER
I cannot wait to embark on these endeavors to achieve an even greater sense of fulfillment. I have nothing but confidence in myself that I can effectively carry out these choices.
As the clock is ticking away the last hours of 2016 I want to say thank you to everyone who has come along for this ride. Your support is everything and I cannot be more grateful for all the advice, kind words, and the time and attention you have given to this blog. I’m looking forward to what is to come. With that, I’m going to finish this last little swig of redbull infused pomegranate sparkling cider and call it a year!
A New Year, A New Me: