Today I am 150 days sober!
It’s been a relatively quiet last couple of days. I’m taking it easy and enjoying the company of friends who’ve come home from college for the break. Also taking plenty of time to rest and recharge as well and even pushing myself to add more to my daily workout routine with this extra free time at hand. I’m in good spirits and grateful for this opportunity to unwind. Mentally and physically I feel very at ease. Well sort of…
Through all the ups and downs of the last couple months has left me sick and tired. I’m worn out and exhausted. That’s what you get I guess for working so hard toward a goal and a dream. I am proud of myself and my achievements thus far and welcome this fatigue as a product of self-love. However, I find myself wanting to stay in the comforts of the silky sheets on my bed instead of venturing outside the walls of my room. I’m not depressed. Far from it actually. This fatigue doesn’t stem from a place within my mind. It’s a fatigue of the physical kind. One that’s cause I do not know the origin of. I am just hoping that it will pass and allow for the prana within me to radiate outward and revitalize my being.
This week I had some insights revealed to me. After a very successful therapy session with my new therapist, who is fucking amazing by the way, we started to notice some patterns in my physical health. These patterns are the result of past trauma which have been quietly enacting a vendetta to cripple me. With drinking out of the picture, my trauma could not be numbed anymore and slowly has manifested itself in episodes of depression over the last couple of months. The episodes have caused my body to experience intense emotions and feel them so strongly it cripples me physically. To keep it short and sweet: I’ve been running on an adrenaline high over the last 4 months. Adrenaline when it hits your mind is like battery acid, frying and damaging cells, neurons and more. Therefore, this constant stress and weakened mind have left me in a state of adrenaline fatigue and made this recovery period much more intense than a normal persons. The pre-dispositions caused by alcohol abuse and other harmful practices to ones body have also contributed to this hardship of healing. It’s only logical that I would burn out eventually and I’m afraid the time is coming sooner than I expected. However, there are solutions. The fight is not over yet. I’m actively taking steps now to rebuild my mind and improve my physical health to be able to put my best foot forward in the coming future.
My physical weakness unfortunately has been compromised more than this adrenaline high. Those close to me know that I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food. I have never been assessed or diagnosed with and eating disorder, but my friends who have said they would not be surprised if I did have one. Throughout high school I struggled to eat and nourish myself properly. It continued into college and has gotten a lot better, but from time to time I get exercise crazy and skip meals hoping to look like a Victoria Secret model. Lately this has been the case. This combined with alcohol abuse has left me vulnerable. Much like a young turtle rushing to sea upon hatching hoping to find safety, I’m in a position now where I must rush to fix the problem. I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff hoping the winds of change will blow me back on the ground and not into the unforgiving ravine. Smiling back grim and menacing, I will not fall victim again. I know I must make a change and I’m working to find a natural method to alleviate the damage done and prevent anymore from occurring.
I learned that physical exercise doesn’t indicate good physical health. It’s much more than that. For the last two years I had been fooling myself and gloating about the great shape I have been in. Looking back now I wasted a lot of breath talking a bunch of bullshit. Yes, I do have a good amount of physical strength, but it’s worth nothing if my body isn’t well enough to put in action. With my mental health now in a more secure and solid place, I need to turn my attention outward toward my physical health. A powerful mind is useless if it can’t be exerted through the physical body.
Nourishing From The Outside In: