Today I am 136 Days Sober!
This week I came to understand the price I pay for speaking about my sobriety and my life so unapologetically. A hard truth to confront, but a powerful insight gained. I experienced a great unburdening of divine proportions. A freeing of the mind that has me moving toward the person who I want to be.
When I set out on this blogging expedition I made a promise to myself that I would be open, vulnerable, and honest about my struggles. I understand the experience I have is unique and I never wanted to ever leave anything unspoken or talked about. That would be a disservice to me and those who have come along for the ride. To fully heal from my tragedy I have to show all my cards and take off the mask. This is my space to express myself. This space is mine to say whatever I need to say. The good, bad, and the ugly. I will do what I need to set myself free. I am unapologetic about everything I have written and will write in the future.
To be unapologetic is something I have struggled with in my life. I know the power of words. People shot words at me with a bow and arrow my whole life to try to bring me down, wound me all over, and deprive me of the chance to know what happiness felt like. It was something I never wanted to do to other people. However, as I have gotten older and taken back my power I realized the importance of words. We are given such a powerful ability to express ourselves freely and need to seize the opportunity. This is why I cannot sit here and be quiet. For a voice not heard and an opinion not expressed could be a loss to the world.
I am aware that this blog has hurt people. I am aware that there are things that I have said that have upset people and caused them distress. This was never intentional. Hurt is unavoidable in life. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s one we must accept to be true. When has anyone ever been let down easy? I sure as hell haven’t. If I was, I never would have found strength and learned from my mistakes. I embrace every wound inflicted upon me as beautiful scars. Proof that I can be better. I also accept the responsibility of all the damage I have done to others. Intentional or not, in vain or with malicious intent, a powerful reminder that actions and words can change a persons fate. For better or for worse. Whether my words aim to heal or cause someone hurt, I refuse to leave an experience incomplete. I take back nothing I have said. I stand by everything that I wrote. Your opinion of me is what you make of it. That’s your call to make. Condemn me for acting unapologetically and praise me for my transparency. I regret nothing.
Some call me crazy for my decision to be so public about this journey into sobriety. They don’t understand why I would do such a thing. They can’t wrap their minds around what I am trying to do. I had something to say and a story to tell and I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from that. Simple right? Wrong. This is no simple task. I have put myself in a position where I am a target. A target for receiving kind words and encouragement and intense critique and backlash. As I get deeper into this process it has been made known to me the importance of the work I am doing. That alone makes me forget every negative aspect that can come from this process. Knowing that I am making a difference in people’s lives and connecting with people in such a deep and meaningful way keeps me writing and gives me the courage to open up even more.
Unapologetic is what I will continue to be. This week taught me how important it is. I can’t be sorry for expressing myself. I don’t have to justify anything. This is my story.
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