Today I am 129 days sober!
A lot of past feelings have come back up and resurfaced this week. Not all of these were particularly good. Quite frankly many of these were negative ones. Most of these I thought I had started to gain a grasp on and have reduced their power and influence over me. As I start my rebuilding process as I discussed in my 4 months sober post, I had no doubts that these emotions would eventually come forward. I didn’t expect them this soon. Like a flash flood caused by a sudden rain, I couldn’t prepare for the damage they might do. Because of that I felt suffocated under a black cloud of negativity. I saw the insecurities of my addict self stun my being into a stillness. A stillness riddled with emptiness. A stillness that inflicted such an unnerving pain. A stillness that I thought would break me. My heart beaming bright with light now colored black noticeable like an ink stain.
In these moments of stillness I could no longer feel the warmth of positive energy through my body. I was caught out in the snow of a harrowing blizzard with no shelter. Crawling on my hands and knees until I could shovel my way out. In a state of hypothermia and body weak, I saw my self-confidence dwindle in my slowing heartbeat. I began to lose sight of my purpose as I was so focused on survival. Fulfilling my basic needs to make it through the night. Each passing breath a painful stab from a knife. Each day the wound grew deeper as I allowed myself to bleed my pain out onto the pure white landscape. Tainting it red in a desperate attempt at escape.
In these moments of distress my body shut down. It was like experiencing acute withdrawal symptoms all over again. A physical pain with no cure except to turn my back on the work I’ve done. I did not give in. I chose to stand tall and brave the storm. My mind worked to sabotage all that I have gained stemming from a feeling of inadequacy. Had my support system disappeared? Have people forgotten about my struggle? Was what I am doing not worth celebrating anymore? Questions like these were constantly flashing in my mind. I felt as if the world had given up on me. Just another person to be overlooked who walks down the street.
I am not okay. This battle with sobriety is something people cannot understand doesn’t just disappear. It’s a lifelong endeavor. These feelings of inadequacy and isolation heavily impacted my momentum. I was slowing down. Do I feel as if the momentum is picking back up? Yes, but not as fast as I would like it to be and it’s frustrating. This is just another bump along the journey. Like all the other hills I’ve climbed, this one is not different from the others.
I am not one to let other people’s opinions and judgements influence me in life. However, this week I saw wounds relating to my insecurities of feeling accepted and valued were torn open. Instead of trying to prove myself in a ridiculous and foolish way as I instinctively wanted to do, I maintained my strength by doing just the opposite. Despite some of these feelings being provoked by people close to me, I would not let these actions and behaviors affect me. I accepted my vulnerable state and embraced the fragility I felt this week to healthily work through my mad state. I wasn’t going to hide behind a front that made it appear I was doing fine. I was heavily pained this week and those around me were aware. Those who interacted with me noticed a change. Those who have been loyal were their to comfort me. It was these conversations and kind words that allowed me to not completely surrender to my anxieties and feelings of abandonment.
My foundation is off to a rocky start. It has occurred to me that I must make some decisions. Decisions concerning my associations. No longer can I allow those who don’t respect my sobriety in my life. To effectively build this new life, I have to keep those loyal close and those who’s intentions are unknown distanced from me. It will not be easy. I know I have the potential to hurt a lot of feelings, but I’m willing to do it. I must get better in order to stay strong. Progress can not be made if I’m too busy smoothing over the cracks that could drag me back down.
Reclaiming My Vision: