Today I am 4 Months Sober!
A period full of trials and tribulations. Breakthroughs and set backs. Standing firm my desire to find myself again. Amongst the rubble and the destruction I am starting to salvage the remains I wish to take forward. I would like to leave some of these pieces behind and let them break down and turn to dust. Painful reminders of what I used to be trying to hide behind a transparent facade. Unknown to me, clear to every passerby. I was lost. I was crying out. I needed to be set free. To be released from the birdcage and given the chance to spread my wings. Fly away from the hell before me.
Slipped through the cracks with no warning the view around me pitch black. The ground zero of my life. A catastrophic loss of life, dignity, and the pursuit of happiness. Through a hazy booze cruise I set sail with an intention to find something better. With no real question, I could find no definite answer. Wandering the waters of everyday life, caught up in the swells of uncertainty. A turbulent journey that eventually brought me back to shore, tattered and torn. Looking back over the horizon, I saw that something better swallowed up into the night. The fever of the thrill gone in flash. I stood there empty, feet sunk in the sand, knowing this cycle must be broken. It is here that I realized I had nothing. I was in a place to start over. Redemption of divine magnitude must be undertaken.
So, I started to build. Build myself up again. To stand tall like a skyscraper, a sight to behold. However, to get there I must lay down the foundation. Create the ground on which the creation was to grow. A task as simple as pouring concrete into a mold. That’s not how this story goes. For a foundation of life is not defined into a tangible shape, a visual representation, or structure to be followed. It’s a series of events, beliefs, attributes, traits, experiences, and assertions possessed by all of us at the core of our being. To create a foundation one must be willing to pull from all of these to build a support adaptable to change. To weather every storm, each addition, and each renovation.
This month the initial steps were taken to rebuild my foundation. Reconnecting with aspects of my personality that I have always seen as mantras of my life, I began to draft a blueprint. A method to help me plan for all this construction. Reflecting on these mantras, I prodded my mind looking for insights to the meaning behind them. Before I could start building, I had to understand why these mantras would serve as the base for my new life to be built upon. I had to be sure that these values ran deep and would be sturdy and strong. Not like in the past where they sat upon a slippery slope only to give way. Surely I have not pinned down all the values I wish to build upon, but I have a great start. A solid foundation to only grow thicker with the addition of new layers. Allowing me to grow taller and become something better. The highest and most precious form of being that I could only dream about while asleep. Beaming with hope that this is a potential reality. A powerful reminder that a lot of heart, ambition, and prudence goes a long way.
Brick by brick I hope to cement these building blocks in an invincible mortar. Binding together this new person constructed with beauty in mind. Careful attention paid to the design, unprecedented to all mankind. The process won’t happen overnight and will be championed with the element of time. Nailing shut the coffin of the demon who possessed me, I carry on to revive the life taken from me. From the ground up, unshakeable and powerful. No white flag will fly over this project of renewal. Breathing in fresh oxygen, filling my lungs. It’s time to get some work done.