A word a lot of people don’t like to talk about. A word that people like to use as a means to make themselves feel better about a pain thrust upon them. To lessen the blow and hide their devastation from the party at fault. Many times I forgave people in my life. Sometimes I meant it, sometimes I didn’t. We forgive to protect others who know the damage they have done in an attempt to be strong about the situation. Sometimes you can’t be strong and a person can’t be forgiven. That’s okay. Some people really do not deserve forgiveness for the things that they have done. Forgive when appropriate and walk away when you cannot. Many fights end with no forgiveness to serve as the conclusion. It may occur later or slip out of the mind of the hurt and never to be dwelt on again. Some say it will leave you bitter to harbor resentment and never find common ground. In many cases that is so, but quite often the bitterness helps us grow and become something sweet.
Forgiveness is believed to bring peace and induce a state of calm. That’s what the movies tell us. The reality is much more harsh than that. Forgiveness involves a process of reflection and acceptance that cost precious emotional time. Whips you around like a tornado and bucks you off like a bull. It almost always serves as a poorly stitched patch used to maintain something that is no longer intact. Forgiveness is temporary relief that gives way to something more. Sometimes for the better and other times for the worst. It may lead to a mutual understanding of what happened and become an accepted truth between two individuals. This is forgiveness as we know it. That we have been taught since we were small yet never seem to experience it. It also leads to a divide and the driving of a wedge between two people. A quick fix that allows people to move forward and continue on. Leaving a mess scattered on the floor that accumulates dust and never disappears. We are then forced to forget. You can forgive, but you can never forget is what we’re told. Is that really what the future holds? A moment in time when tragedy is no longer and a false sense of ecstasy is garnered. A myth at most, a fable at best.
To those who I have forgiven you will never know if I meant it or not. You will never know the intentions behind why I forgave you or what caused me to. As much I want a chance to explain myself to you, it’s better that I not. Swept under the rug during my occasional spring cleanings of the clutter in my life. A real life Pandora’s box that contains a plethora of mystery I’d rather not unlock. I don’t know how much more weight this already heavy heart can take. All I know is that I don’t know if it could withstand another break. So I threw away the key. Looking through the glass with no way to go back. With the swing of a bat, it shatters at last.