Today I am 108 Days Sober!
It’s been no secret that I have felt depressed recently. I know that this won’t be the last time along this road of recovery and that I may fall into a hole like that again. I’m just thankful that I am now prepared for what might come. I am thankful that I stayed strong. I am thankful that I can continue to move on and improve. I accept these state of sadness because strength is gained from these moments. I need these moments to reflect, to discover, to grow.
I’ve been wrestling lately with how I see myself. Let’s call it a slight identity crisis if you will. When I look in the mirror I’m finding it hard to recognize what is staring back at me. I don’t know what to do. So, I’m going with my roaring intuition and burning gut feeling. They believe it’s a good thing and a chance to start new. Time to let suffocated aspects of my being come forth and breathe. Allow them to have a remarkable opportunity. Feeling their energy pulse throughout, euphoric and calming. This is the beginning.
For many of those who only knew that person, I am a total stranger now. Unrecognizable in every aspect. My drunk self left a lasting impression on the many people who came in and out of my life. When it came to making a good first impression, I Fucked Up. Big Time. To this day I am still being haunted by that person who existed and manifested themselves for a period too long. I fear that I may never be able to erase that person from people’s minds. Cemented like stone in their memory. People are so quick to make judgement and that initial interaction will define you as a whole. For all eternity that is who I will be to you. Till the day that I die I can be nothing but what you made of me. This I challenge you, to let go of that lost boy who you thought you knew. Open your eyes and embrace the change I have undergone. I am no longer an object of your affection, the hot mess desperate for attention, or absent in a state of disbelief. That no longer defines me. It’s something many will have a hard time to accept for they no longer have control. Your power is now mine. I am in control. I am free.
It truly bothers me that I have to spend all this time to prove my worth to people who refuse to look closely. I am more than the face value you try to assign to me. Lost in the superficial world that exerts copious amounts of pressure and weighted stress, you cannot take me for what I am. Forget the facades and the enticing personas I once lived by. Forget the pretenses I cowardly hid behind. I was so stupid to try. So, I choose to be better than that. I choose to be deeper that that. Vulnerable and human is what I do best.
I’m showing off a softer side. Stripping away the grit, the glamour, and the grime. Wiping off the gloss that made me so appealing. It’s closing night at this predictable show. I want to embrace the natural beauty, naked and unafraid. I am nobody else but myself today. I will be nobody but myself for the rest of my days.
Brand New & Coming Soon: