Today I am 101 days sober.
14 weeks has gone by and the minutes just keep ticking away. Like last week, this week was a not so good one. I found myself numbed by a sadness and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety I haven’t felt in quite a long time. Many days I spent in my head going through the motions and riding the waves of the uncertainty. A small lifeboat cast out in the middle of the open sea, I huddled inside and clung to dear life.
I was tossed aside and pushed around struggling to stay above the high surf and deep water. I made it through to somewhat calmer water. My current state of mind isn’t as chaotic, but it isn’t at ease. I’m not worried though. I’ve made it this far and I was pushed close to the edge this week, but I did not break. I can’t let that part control me. I can’t fall to impulse. Prudence and perseverance at the forefront of my mind.
Despite the turbulent waters, I was flooded with such a state of sadness and depression I had no choice but to write. I had a breakthrough creatively this week. Something I am joyfully celebrating. As much as it hurts to have to go back, it’s a necessary evil. I think this week I offset the balance that keeps the depression at bay and the creative process functioning, letting aspects overwhelm me. I let myself slip just a little too deep into the pain and struggled to climb out. Even though it was hard, I am grateful it happened. It was a strong reminder to be present. I have been very busy with school and work and other social responsibilities that I didn’t take enough time for myself this week. Yes I spent it alone, but I was not engaging with anything. Isolation acted as a straight jacket and kept me quiet. Stunned by the paralyzing cold of what emotions had overtaken my body, I could do nothing but be still while the world moved all around me. I was frozen.
Even though I am still stuck in a small rut, I know that I’m on the way out. I’m slowly climbing back up the ladder out of this hole I tripped into. We all fall down sometimes, but how we get back up is entirely up to us. I choose to enjoy the climb. Many would rush to the top and get away quickly. Where is the lesson in that? Nowhere. You learn nothing when you act in haste. Each rung I miss on the latter acts as a match that lights my creative juices, set ablaze like gasoline near a flame. There is no other way I can break free of my pain. Nearing the top I want to take this newfound appreciation of tragedy further into my recovery. Once I was a pile of ashes now blown into a beautiful work of glass. Still fragile at heart and sensitive to the core, transparent to each passerby. There is nothing I need to hide.
I want to move forward with patience and the intention to feel. Time won’t dictate the speed I live my life. Remembering that I am important and should be selfish at times. Feel out the bad, but acknowledge the good. Reflect with utmost presence and a critical eye. Simple reminders that are often forgotten. Lost in a whirlwind of distraction, running on autopilot.
On The Rise,