14 Weeks Sober

Today I am 101 days sober.

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14 weeks has gone by and the minutes just keep ticking away. Like last week, this week was a not so good one. I found myself numbed by a sadness and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety I haven’t felt in quite a long time. Many days I spent in my head going through the motions and riding the waves of the uncertainty. A small lifeboat cast out in the middle of the open sea, I huddled inside and clung to dear life.
quotefancy-571805-3840x2160I was tossed aside and pushed around struggling to stay above the high surf and deep water. I made it through to somewhat calmer water. My current state of mind isn’t as chaotic, but it isn’t at ease. I’m not worried though. I’ve made it this far and I was pushed close to the edge this week, but I did not break. I can’t let that part control me. I can’t fall to impulse. Prudence and perseverance at the forefront of my mind.

Despite the turbulent waters, I was flooded with such a state of sadness and depression I had no choice but to write. I had a breakthrough creatively this week. Something I am joyfully celebrating. As much as it hurts to have to go back, it’s a necessary evil. I think this week I offset the balance that keeps the depression at bay and the creative process functioning, letting aspects overwhelm me. I let myself slip just a little too deep into the pain and struggled to climb out. Even though it was hard, I am grateful it happened. It was a strong reminder to be present. I have been very busy with school and work and other social responsibilities that I didn’t take enough time for myself this week. Yes I spent it alone, but I was not engaging with anything. Isolation acted as a straight jacket and kept me quiet. Stunned by the paralyzing cold of what emotions had overtaken my body, I could do nothing but be still while the world moved all around me. I was frozen.

Even though I am still stuck in a small rut, I know that I’m on the way out. I’m slowly climbing back up the ladder out of this hole I tripped into. We all fall down sometimes, but how we get back up is entirely up to us. I choose to enjoy the climb. 6836683-ladder-wallpaperMany would rush to the top and get away quickly. Where is the lesson in that? Nowhere. You learn nothing when you act in haste. Each rung I miss on the latter acts as a match that lights my creative juices, set ablaze like gasoline near a flame. There is no other way I can break free of my pain. Nearing the top I want to take this newfound appreciation of tragedy further into my recovery. Once I was a pile of ashes now blown into a beautiful work of glass. Still fragile at heart and sensitive to the core, transparent to each passerby. There is nothing I need to hide.

I want to move forward with patience and the intention to feel. Time won’t dictate the speed I live my life. Remembering that I am important and should be selfish at times. Feel out the bad, but acknowledge the good. Reflect with utmost presence and a critical eye. Simple reminders that are often forgotten. Lost in a whirlwind of distraction, running on autopilot.

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On The Rise,

Taylor James

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