Today I am 94 Days Sober!
This week I found myself spending a lot of time thinking and reflecting. Many would say that’s dangerous, but it was unavoidable this week. I celebrated 3 months of sobriety on Thursday and had to cherish such a milestone and the journey it took to get there. Despite battling an awful cold all week, which really took a lot out of me, I made the most of this achievement. Being sick also forced to be very still since I did not have the energy I usually have. A lot of time I spent in bed and caught up in my dreams.
Circumstances like this I don’t welcome too kindly for the kind of mindset they put me in. It’s usually a negative mindset full of my haunting past. The dark energy takes hold over my relaxed and weak body and paralyzes me into a state of sadness. Sadness is an emotion I became very quaint with when I drank so it’s not overwhelming. However it feels different now then it used to. If anything it is more intense since I don’t have alcohol to numb the effects of its presence. All I wanted to do was write, but I couldn’t get the words out. I wanted to express this pain, but it was trapped in my mind. I had fallen into a stint of depression icy and cold. I was frustrated. I am still frustrated about it. I do everything I can to bring joy and happiness to my life, but negative emotions show no mercy. Even those who have seen the gates of heaven, the tranquility of Nirvana, and the height of success are not safe. We are all victims of our mistakes and the shadow they have cast over our life. But we survive. We carry on. We know our potential to be good.
This week I suffered the greatest writers block I have felt since the start of my sobriety. I felt frozen in this empty space. I should have known after the surge of creative energy last week that I may fall into a hole. I was on such a high that the euphoria of it all had me convinced that I had tapped into something very special. It brings me sweet relief that I do have that place within my being, but it troubles me that access to it is limited and restricted. It then becomes a question of: What is holding me back from this? I can feel this energy under my skin every day and I have figured out ways to tap into it. However, this energy I had experienced was even more than that. I hope and pray that this energy resurfaces again and makes a much longer appearance than it did. Those 7 days were magical. It was that kind of creativity I only dreamed about for so long. I would give up everything to have the freedom and time to indulge in that energy. Grant me the serenity in my artistry.
Discouraged but hopeful I carry on into my next week. Frustration has granted me the key to delve in and write this post. After laying motionless in my bed since the sunrise, my emotions rose to the surface ignited by expressive fire. My desire to know why is going to guide my actions and thoughts this week. My determination and presence is all I need to sort this confusion out.
Walking Through The Haze: