Today I am 3 Months Sober!
This has surely been a month of growth. The seed of sobriety I have been watering for the last three months is beginning to finally sprout through to the surface, resilient and green. Rich in chlorophyll, healthy and strong. Although this sprout within me is small, its roots run through my veins in a complex network that serves to nurture.
Receiving energy through my senses and processed in the core of my soul. It is here that my inner strength is being cultivated and carried back out to the far reaches of my body and mind. Damaged roots, malnourished and neglected have begun to feel what it means to be alive again. Pumped with adrenaline-fueled energy these dark, silenced parts of my mind are bolted awake in a sense of beautiful madness. Beautiful because it seemed they would lay dormant and on the verge of a crippling death for the rest of existence.
It was in this month that I have finally started to feel like I am coming into my own. Coming into my own in the sense that I am allowing the parts of myself that I fought so hard to suppress with alcohol to come forward and define me. It’s a surreal feeling knowing that you are entering a reinvention period again. It’s not like I’m fashioning a whole new identity for myself, but rather rearranging the qualities and identities I do want to show out of the darkness and back into the light. I am in the process of rebuilding a new identity, but it’s one that is built off two conflicting personalities that exist within myself. Both identities I have been aware of since getting sober. The Addict and The Artist. The Addict who embodies all the demons and darkness of my life and seeks to sabotage all that is good. The Artist who embodies the expression of my soul and the potential for true happiness and life fulfillment. However, I do understand that they are not separate and in fact have many aspects of integration within my life. It’s the pain and emotional responses of The Addict that spawns the fodder for The Artist to then creatively engage with and express outwardly. These two forces are the yin and yang of my existence. They are in a committed and symbiotic relationship with each other whether they like it or not. This is a truth that I have come to realize this month. To be whole I must accept and embody both in healthy manner. Art is my outlet where this synthesis of the two unfolds. This realization has brought a strong sense of calm over my life. I no longer have to worry about one overtaking the other or focusing so keenly to try and be one and not act like the other. I have effectively established control over The Addict through an active pursuit to explore The Artist.
Now in a more stable and collected mindset, I am making more strides forward to part with the past that haunts me. To move past adversity you first must make peace with it. Every product of writing or creative work is an effort to come to an armistice with the war inside. I don’t fear what will happen when I dive back into the moments and allow my mind to embody the feelings of these moments anymore. I know that I have strong foundation of strength in my roots that will only continue to grow exponentially. The process will be a long one, but I have the patience to reach my goal. I am a Capricorn after all! Stubborn to the core and persistent like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert. Don’t fuck with me.
I have had the most fulfilling month of creativity in years. It’s something worth celebrating. I have opened the doors for a great release. Release of my inhibitions and doubts to fully be the person I want and deserve to be in this world. That little sprout breaking through represents this initial break from the confides of the earth (or in my case the state of darkness). If I could define this month in one word it would be Release. I will have many more releases in the coming future, but this one is special. Special because it embodies the parting with one set of beliefs and ideas and crossing over into another. I’ve “picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.” I’ve released myself from the detritus of bleakness and stepped into a world of color. A kaleidoscope of wonder and opportunity.
I AM RELEASED. I AM OPEN. I AM ME.
Flying High With The Birds: