Today I am 80 Days Sober
11 weeks in and I’m still going strong. This week there were a couple of game changers and unfortunate things happen in my life and to those close to me, but that I know there is something better waiting up ahead not far off in the distance. Most importantly, it got me to thinking about everything that has happened to me in the past and how that is going to affect me in the future. My drinking days were spent in complete stagnation. Nothing in my life moved forward and nothing took a tremendous step back. All that really happened was things were silenced and put on hold. Now sober, I am pushing those things back into motion and letting them to continue to progress forward. However, I still have my hesitations around certain aspects and I’m struggling to release my hold on them and let move forward with the others.
So, I have found myself in a dilemma it seems. An issue that has occurred to me is that I have spent too much time waiting and not enough being proactive.
However, I have also been, in some respects, too proactive and not allowing time for breaks or stillness. I spent too much time listening and not enough time speaking and vis versa. Where is the balance between the two? I have come to realize that balance does not exist. Every situation, scenario, task, etc. is strictly unique. You have to approach each one with a strong sense of intuition and reason to effectively keep yourself from waiting too long or overdoing it.
Proactive. A word that many people will say is pounded into their heads as a key factor to be successful. It is a factor, but it’s not essential. Being proactive is a great thing and it’s something that I value in myself and in others. It shows that a person is committed and willing to put forth the effort to want to be better. Not perfect, but better. Being the first to do something or the first to go for it involves many risks. Mistakes are inevitable and it’s one of the downsides to being proactive and so willing to jump the gun. People learn from mistakes though and ultimately it just restarts the proactive cycle. Go for it I say! If you have a plan, an idea, a dream go get it baby. Life’s more exciting when you’re striving for something. At least I believe so. But remember to stop and relish the good moments. Don’t push yourself. Enjoy the crazy ride. Sometimes taking a slow rise to success and greatness is the more rewarding path. You learn a lot more that way and you have such an incredible story to tell once you make it. We crave instant satisfaction nowadays, but I would rather my success be more meaningful and well-deserved.
Waiting. Ambiguous in nature, but ever so relatable. We wait every day. Whether it be in lines, for class, on hold, and even on street corners waiting to cross. Waiting is a powerful action. It shows strength and patience and the understanding that tranquility is okay. Waiting allows you to stop, think, process, and repeat. Waiting can be seen as the time someone takes out of their day to take a step back and explore. However, it’s important to be mindful and know when you’ve over-explored and found yourself lost.
It’s when I fall into moments like these I get this feeling in my gut that I’ve missed something. Missed an opportunity, a chance, or a moment that could have dramatically changed my life. All because I chose to stay quiet and think things through instead of running out to meet this potential change. Do I beat myself up over these missed opportunities and moments? All the time! especially the handful of them I know I missed because I decided alcohol was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I didn’t wait though, I never would have gotten here to this moment right now.
Going forward I now know better. I have learned and will continue to learn when it is appropriate to wait and when I need to throw myself into the crowd and surf over it. I will continue to move forward and make progress on my music, writing, art and my other passions because of the joy and satisfaction they bring me. I also am going to push myself even further to get the aspects I hesitate and wait on to catch up with the rest. I know I won’t get them perfectly balanced, but I can at least make them less skewed. I have come to appreciate these two very different ways of approaching situations and through my own process of integration I can come up with the most ideal system to tackle what the future may throw at me.
With A Little Push and a Little Pull: