Today I am 66 Days Sober.
This week my mind really surrendered itself to the thoughts and feelings that were swirling around inside. I felt familiar emotions stronger than ever and new emotions that caught me by surprise. I felt completely frozen and at the will of all these feelings most of the time, but I welcomed it with open arms. For every stable week I know that an emotional week is looming on the horizon and will come unannounced. I welcome these emotions because they trigger the core of my creativity and catapult me into a head space where I can express myself to the fullest in a meaningful and artistic way. Though the space is dark and crippling, when I am in there my guard is completely down and all my troubles, demons, and emotions can freely float to the surface and be heard. It is here I have a conversation with myself and can work towards a more self-actualized state of being. Weeks like this are vital and important. I have to remind myself to not be discouraged and actively engage with my creative headspace in these turbulent times to find relief and heal.
All of this madness inside my mind this week brought to my attention this idea of connection and what it meant not only to me, but also how it functions within all of our interactions. Life is just a scattering of events, moments, memories, people, and places that float aimlessly within the context of time. It is through our memory, experience, and participation do we draw the lines that connect all these random dots and over the span of life to create a cohesive image, design, or drawing. We all long for the picture to be beautiful and comparable to the works of artists like Monet, DaVinci, and Van Gough. However, a drawing of connections is too complicated and too messy. All too often lines are erased, bridges are burned, moments are blacked out, and the passing weather fades the once solid black line into a grey and grim remainder.
The choice to become sober has pushed me forward into a new era of my life. This push forward has put a strain on some of my connections that I have made in the past and also opened the doors to many new ones. I’m finding myself staring at a broken and damaged collection of parts and boxes of unopened tools and having to make sense of what to repair and what to make new. Looking back on the last three years there were many people who I overlooked and tossed aside, too consumed with my love of booze. It is these people I actively want to repair relationships and bonds with that I treated so carelessly. I know now that I was reckless and heartless and I want to take this opportunity to apologize to these people. This week I found myself crying over the loss of you and the longing to be able to write you back into my book of connections. Grant me the opportunity and chance to show you the person who was locked away and trapped under the booze soaked heathen that you met initially. I have changed. I have no intention of going back down that path. I can’t bear to have anymore poison injected into my life. I want to suck the poison out. Rebuilding these strained and broken relations are just part of my larger anecdote (Sobriety) to become clean and detoxified.
To those people and relations who impacted me negatively. I have one thing to say to you all. Go Fuck Yourself. I want nothing to do with you anymore. This is me dropping the lighter on the bridge soaked in kerosene with the intention to burn it down. Never again do I want to live in fear knowing that you could just walk back into my life with no warning to torment me. I want to erase you from my book of connections and return you to your place as just random dots in the grand scheme of life. Holler across the river wide, but you will get no answer from me. Try to swim across the roaring white water, but you surely will drown. You no longer control me. You no longer influence me. I am not a puppet of your sick and twisted game.
Looking ahead there is much work to be done. Sewing back together connections and patching up the holes of those stripped away is no simple task. A major redesign is underway in my life currently as I sort through the mess and put things back in their desired places and throw away the unwanted and useless shit. Just because I toss away some connections and memories associated with them does not mean they have disappeared forever. They have left an imprint on me that I can’t deny has affected me. Their lines just turn to ashy, grey remains of what once was. Unnoticeable to a viewer on the outside, only felt in my lively soul. To the new connections who I have not encountered yet, I am anxiously awaiting to become integrated in your network of connections and for you to become a part of mine.
With A Desire To Grow, Mend, & Breakaway: