Today I can proudly say that I am Two Months Sober!
With all the shit that has happened it definitely feels a lot longer, however the calendar says otherwise. Looking back I thought the 1st month was the hardest and it was only going to get easier from there. Life ultimately is a double edge sword and nobody can ever make it through without experiencing the sharp blade of both sides from time to time. With that, this month I saw myself undergoing tremendous growth and change and also found myself in periods of desolate, emotional darkness.
Let’s start with the darkness because ultimately it was the genesis of the growth. Shortly after celebrating my 1 month of sobriety, the relationship I had with my boyfriend took a sharp nose dive down into a ravine. Resulting in an emotional crash that left both of us wounded. On the dive down it felt as if the world around me was becoming clearer as I plunged down further and further. The truth was illuminated on the dark walls in beautiful calligraphy and striking images that only intensified on the dive down. I was ready for the crash. I knew it was coming. These images and words acted as an emotional shield and barrier to lessen the blow. Following the aftermath I found myself devastated and confused. I began to ask myself things like: Did I deserve this? Was I just not enough? Is love always supposed to be so black and white? The weeks following I took to serious introspection and began to revisit the images and calligraphy presented to me during the fall. Tears were shed, anger fumed from my brain, depression sank in deep, and discoveries were made. I had never felt a pain like this. This pain was different because no matter what you did to alleviate it it still hurt. A pain so deep that it will always linger in the sub-conscious. The initial pain is not over yet and that I know. It still sneaks up on me and causes me great discomfort, but it no longer overwhelms me. The pain of heartache and a new sober life doesn’t overwhelm me because I channel it out. Slowly but surely transplanting all the negative energy within and scribing it into poetry, music, and this blog. Letting new, clean, and pure energy permeate and fill those newly hollowed voids.
Even though the month was plagued with pain, when days were good they were immaculate. Immaculate in the sense that I felt reborn and slowly parting ways with elements of my past that led me to drink and fall from grace. My mind is the clearest it has been and this has allowed me to really take a step back and observe life around me. Instead of acting in such a manner that threw me right into the middle of all the chaos as I did while drinking, I can now rest easy on the sidelines and create an understanding of life from an outsiders’ perspective. Outsider in the sense that I am having to create a new life and in turn put meaning and value to this new life isolated from everyone else. While everyone else aimlessly wanders through life, I am actively engaging with it and treating it as a process of continual change and working with it to produce something worthwhile and fulfilling. I am exercising my right to be present and active in shaping the course of my time on this earth. I encourage all of you to do the same. The things you’ll find out about not only yourself, but the people around you will shock you. Every day is a Revelation.
I learned a lot about myself this last month, but one particular aspect stood out to me. I recognized just how vulnerable I allow myself to be. I talked about this in my 8 Weeks Sober post, but I recognized just how much power I hold and exercise by opening myself up and letting people in. This newfound connection with myself and the people around me has brought me strength, renewed my passions, and sent ablaze my roaring and ambitious mind. My desire to be vulnerable has allowed me the ability to heal and put me on the path of reinvention and change.
This month I also gave into my freedom of expression fully. I was not going to allow myself to hold back anything I was feeling creatively. No emotion, idea, or subject was off the table. This freedom allowed me to express myself unapologetically and to reconnect with my artistry.
At my soul I am an artist. This I have known since I was very young. In a continuous drunken haze I lost sight of this part of myself and suppressed all my creative energy until I could no longer access it. Sobriety has opened the doors which all this energy was locked behind and once again it pulses through my body strong and proud. I solemnly swear to express myself with honesty, passion, and whole-heartedly. This I must do.
I want to spend the next month expending as much energy possible into nurturing this energy and granting myself the time to play with and explore it. I want to maintain and enhance the vulnerability I feel with those in my life and through my works of expression. With two months in the books, three months is just a blink of an eye away. Strong and secure I’m moving forward and enjoying the ride.
With The A Mighty Roar: