Today I am 59 days sober.
This week I found myself pushing myself into situations I felt like I needed to experience post-drinking and post relationship. However, it made known to me very quickly that I wasn’t quite ready yet. It greatly upset me and I felt defeated. Defeated in this sense that I wasn’t strong enough to commit to my decisions. Defeated because I felt that my strong willpower was undermined. Defeated over the sheer fact I let other entities, other than myself, dictate how I should respond emotionally to these situations. This loss of control of my emotions is nothing new and I have struggled with it since I gave up alcohol. I have boldly embraced this instability and surrendered my entire presence and energy, as I talked about in earlier blogs, to working through this time of unwarranted possibilities. These moments of weakness are important though as they allow me to reflect and reevaluate on how to move forward and what steps are possible within the constraints of my mental state. It also is a test of my willingness and ability to continue to approach my recovery in the way I have. These moments are vital as they are external cues and visualizations that trigger an emotional reaction right before my eyes that sometimes my mind overlooks while in a state of bliss. I understand the importance of these moments and I will continue to push myself into these, but know that I cannot overindulge for the toxic results that it induces within my entire being are extremely detrimental and crippling to my success. Balance. I seek to find balance in my ability to allow myself to feel these emotions, but not let them overwhelm me to the point where I can’t talk about them. Silence is my killer. To leave me in silence is to end my existence. I am nothing without my voice. I am defined by my love of expression. I heal through my expression of these emotions and sometimes they will overwhelm me, but I know that I have the tools and ability to release them in a meaningful and creative way. Time will grant me the security that everything will eventually bleed out through ink onto paper leaving me lighter. The Product: a powerful reminder of what I’ve overcome and made peace with.
This week I was also presented with the concept of vulnerability. A word most of us cringe with fear at hearing. My friend so kindly sent a beautiful TED talk called The Power of Vulnerability and it made me realize a lot. If anything it showed me how vulnerable that I am as a person and I felt immediately flooded with empowerment. Empowered that I am able to be a kind of person that so many cannot. Confident that I can continue to stay vulnerable and a strong force within this crowded, mundane, and self-evident world. Vulnerability should not and could never be defined to a person’s ability to be emotional. It’s so much more than that. Vulnerability, to me at least, is the desire for a person to put themselves out there and open themselves to the world. Yes, sometimes it can be emotional and tears will be shed, but other times it’s extremely joyful and positive. The last three months I can truthfully say that I have been at my most vulnerable. I kicked down every wall that I put up, built myself a skyscraper high pedestal to live life on, and have granted access to the whole world into my most personal and intimate aspects of my life. Do I regret this decision that many have called insane? Absolutely not. Have I acknowledged that I am setting myself up to potentially get hurt? Yes. I choose not to live in fear because then I cannot be open. What I choose to be is vulnerable. Vulnerable in the sense that I know my worth and value and will go into situations that could reap me of this validation. Vulnerable that I am aware of all consequences and commit full-heartedly to my decisions. Vulnerable in a way that I feel like I belong to everyone, but belong to no one. What I mean is that I let everyone into my life, but still retain a sense of who I am by not allowing those around me to influence how and what defines my existence. I define my existence.
I Am Open. I Am Confident. I am Me.
Valiant and Bold: