Today I am 52 days sober
This week I saw myself feeling my lowest and also feeling my highest. Just like last week it was an emotional rollercoaster, except the end of this one never felt like it was in sight. All I could see were more tracks appearing in front of me only to lead me around more corners, up to monumental heights, and through loop de loops to the point of vomiting. However, I found myself screaming and throwing up my hands in they air in complete ecstasy enjoying the thrill ride when it was necessary and also when it was completely inappropriate to do so. It was an amusement park of trip this week, but it has made things known and clear to me concerning my life.
Tonight I sit here in my home and write this blog. The home I was too afraid to come home to just a week or so ago. It’s eerie being here sitting in the same spot where I used to drink myself to a place of healing and push down everything I felt I could not and should not express. The irony of it all is that I sit here now, expressing what many people say is too much about my personal life, trying to heal and undo the damage inflicted upon myself with the world as my audience and spectators.
I feel very out of place here, but considering where I have been this summer and what I’ve been doing in the grand scheme of things it would make sense that I feel like I have cut chords with this place. I spent the last three months living out of a suitcase traveling short and long distances making short stops back to home only to collect more things and leave again. I am thankful for these travels for they have opened a new world to me and have pushed me into the best direction possible. Today I finally unpacked that suitcase and put all my things back in their place in my house. There is an overwhelming sense of relief that I no longer will have to be on the go and can actually stay in place for an extended period of time. I feel settled in and at ease, an emotion I have not felt for quite some time.
After a tumultuous summer of great life change, heartache, and struggle, I am starting to find myself settling into my new life both physically and mentally. I am finding that a lot of things that I struggled with early on in sobriety no longer bother me and that I have very quickly adapted to my new lifestyle and can say that I am truly happy. Happy that I am now taking even more steps forward to a triumphant recovery. Happy because I feel that a part of my soul is being reborn and brought forward. Happy because I am focused and a fire has combusted within me that fuels that focus. I am taking this focus and pushing it to the limit in the upcoming weeks as I prepare to be ever present in my recovery mentally and physically in an even more intense and introspective way.
So now I’m going to kick back, relax and enjoy this time for myself because it’s a feeling worth celebrating. I feel like I’ve crossed the ever so fragile bridge that hung over turbulent water waiting for me to fall in. I stare back at it. Then turn right back around and walk forward. Forward with a glimmer in my eyes, a dream to be better, and a reassurance that I’m that much closer to nirvana.
With A New Attitude: