Today I am 45 days sober
It’s crazy that 6 weeks have passed already on this journey. This week proved to be one of the most challenging so far. It has been the most emotional rollercoaster of them so far. Most days I found myself wallowing in sadness for extended periods of time. A lot of pain and hurt managed to rise to the surface and had nowhere to go but onto my pillowcase as I lie completely open for the world to see. Many times I found myself getting choked up doing simple tasks such as driving, doing laundry, or watching TV. It feels so good to cry. If I could cry away all the pain, hurt, and heartache I would, but that would be too easy. I don’t want this recovery to be easy. It wouldn’t be so rewarding and feel so liberating if I didn’t figure out all this shit on my own. I’m enjoying my time of reflection, even though it proves to be difficult and triggering at times, I know that with each introspection I am healing. Healing into a person that is stronger. Healing into a person that is more complete. Healing into a person that has the wisdom to take on the challenges that may arise in the future.
Sometimes I think I’m crazy because I’m so willing to deal with these emotions the way I have been. Allowing the thoughts to torture me, the images to replay over and over through my head until I want to stab my eyes out, and with no fear let the darkest parts of my mind come forward and express themselves with full force and mighty brute. Did drinking to stop it all cross my mind? Oh my god yes. However, I never allowed myself to get to that point. To get to the point would be admitting to defeat to the demons who I am fighting to silence and send packing forever. Never to be bothered again. I won’t be bothered.
A complete surrender of myself to be present in these reflections has brought me strength and power to fight through them. The defining force of my recovery is complete and total presence in all my emotions. Presence. To be present is not easy. Many times I want to just dig a hole and bury myself and come out when the storm is over. No solution has been found by simply not doing anything and letting the universe do it for you. It feels like I’m about to sky dive every time I allow my emotions and thoughts to possess my body. There’s a fear and adrenaline pumping through my veins as if I were about to jump out of a plane to fall 30,000 feet back to earth. I’ve come to realize that this fear and adrenaline is actually not a negative. If anything, I see it as my body militarizing itself to go into battle and brave the enemy in a heroic clash of survival.
To be present within yourself is the most powerful healing technique. To be present, one must completely clear their mind and surrender their entire being to something greater themselves. To be present, one must accept that they cannot control all aspects of life and have confidence in their strength to move forward aware of that fact. To be present, one must exercise their power to make progress and edit what is in their control. To be present, one must work to acquire a wisdom and knowledge to know the difference between the two. Only then can a true inner peace and serenity with the world can be attained.
I AM PRESENT. I AM WILLING. I AM STRONG.
Looking From The Inside Out: