Today I am 38 days sober.
I can’t believe that 5 weeks have past. It’s been a journey thus far. This week in particular was very difficult. A lot of things surfaced and many truths were told. This week I was taught a lesson about love. Not only what it means to be truly in love with someone, but also what it means to truly love yourself.
Love is a powerful emotion that many people choose not to feel and reject its existence. I was one of those people. I did not believe that I deserved loved because of the drunken daydreams obscuring my perception of who I truly am. I never felt worthy of love and had myself convinced that I would never find it in my lifetime. After so much rejection and feeling as if nobody wanted me, I drove myself into complete isolation. I built walls up taller than any skyscraper ever built and sealed off every crack that could potentially let something in.
I was a heartbreaker. Many people had come into my life with only good intentions and a desire to want me around. Only for time to pass and me to push them away. Alcohol allowed me to suppress these positive emotions associated with feeling wanted, valued, and appreciated. In turn, the addictive part of me with the help of booze would launch tirades of self-sabotage against myself. I would lash out at those who were kind to me. I would act maliciously and vindictively to prove points that always ended with me shooting myself in the foot. I would fall victim to the paranoia of being hurt. After a lifelong span of constant hurt, I never wanted to experience that pain again. So I drank. Then I drank some more. And eventually it seemed as if nothing could hurt me. I was invincible. Or so I thought.
Recently a very special person came into my life. They showed me what it really meant to feel love and be loved. They helped me to recognize my worth and my value. They made me feel as if I deserved nothing short of pure, unconditional love. They were my person. We were each other’s person. They helped bring me out of the wreckage and then salvage my life to a point where I could move forward. Just like me, this person also is undergoing a major life change. This person also is rising up from their darkest parts an hoping to shine bright in a world full of light. As much as we wanted to be with each other through these times, all we did was hurt each other. We triggered each other’s damaged pieces and without even a thought would lash out at each other. We would never be able to heal and move forward if we continued to be in each other’s lives romantically. Perfect on paper, toxic in real life and practice.
I will always be forever grateful and indebted to this person for everything that they have done for me. I will never not feel this swarming and wild, unconditional love that I feel for you. You will always have a piece of my heart. A piece so special because it is yours and nobody else will EVER have it. I will always be there for you, especially now in this time of great change. You have a lifelong friend and companion in me. I want what is best for you and I want you to be happy and stable. I know we are not together romantically and that hurts a lot because we were a great team. However, we will continue to be a great team within our friendship. Always know that I love you.
Love is not a cinderella story. It’s not a fairytale at all. Fairytale romances should scare people to some degree. A love that perfect without any sort of flaws seems too good to be true. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but a highly unlikely fantasy. Love is a whirlwind of emotions. It’s full of joy, happiness, hurt, pain, anger, passion, and beauty. To truly love someone is to be able to let them go when they need to. To truly love someone is to be able to know when things must change for better or worse. To truly love someone is to wear your heart on your sleeve knowing that it could be hurt at anytime. To truly love someone, you must know how to love yourself and care for yourself.
This is the next step for me. Having experienced this unconditional, intense, and passionate love with this person, I know that it is for the best that I take time to love myself fully. To love oneself is to live life with no fear of adversity, to be confident in ones abilities, and to understand and assert the power that one is innately entitled to. I am going to take my power back. I will not hold back in this process and express myself fully because to not allow myself to the freedom of expression that every person on this planet is entitled to would be an injustice to myself. Within my power I know that my confidence, courage, and freedom lie. I am working on reconnecting with the people, the hobbies, and feelings that once empowered me and allowed me to express and assert my power in everyday life. Will this task be easy? Hell no. It will be a process of trial and error and a consistent balancing act in an attempt to find the right fit in an aligned fashion. I know that I will be faced with triggers and temptations that might cause a pushback or cause me to stumble. However, I am too fucking determined to let myself fall or fail. I will rise triumphant and strong like the queen I know in my heart that I am.
With A Healing Heart And A Positive Outlook: