The Strength To Hold Back


Tonight I feel as if my insides have shattered. I am lost. I am torn. I am confused. I feel his presence as strongly as if I were intoxicated. Why do you come to me now? Yes, I know that the last couple of days truths were revealed to you and have sent you into a tailspin. I have listened to you cry and scream and wail out in absolute pain. You are angry, you are hurt, you are aggravated and out to wreak a havoc and revenge against the person who did this to you.

To sabotage your host will do you no good. He is weakening you. Each day he spends dry and clear minded he realizes the power he possesses. He pushes back against your stronghold and forcing you to accept things and feel things you have suppressed. He is working to erase your presence and drive you to deepest and darkest places of his mind that hopefully will never be able to permeate his consciousness. He knows you will never vanish and break through the prison walls he is trying to build around you, but you will not control him.

Sure tonight you have managed to manifest yourself. It’s obvious that you are upset. You are so boldly fighting and you may have managed to make an impact, but I am fighting back. 

I know what you are capable of. I know the pain you not only cause me but those who are also in my life. I am currently locked away in a room where I have decided to put myself and hide. I want to runaway from everyone here, but I will not. I am going to sit here and feel this pain you inflict on me. I am not going to drink and numb it. I WILL NOT give into you tonight. I am better and stronger than that.

I know I can’t hide forever and I can’t stay here in silence for that does nobody good. As much as I want to just take a sleep aid and sleep through this pain I have people who want to spend time with me waiting outside the door. One in particular went out of their way to cook me dinner and buy me flowers. They do not mean harm to you! They love you even though you utilize their biggest fears and weaknesses to try and break them. You try to make me seem less desirable. You suck the life out of all my good parts and bring the dark parts you embody to the surface.

I feel guilty in not bending to your ways. The mental torture you inflict on me and the games you play to try to get me to come crawling back to you. However, I love this person more than I loved alcohol. I would do anything to stay with this person and allow them to be a part of my life. I will not let you do to them as you have done to the countless others who also have wanted to love me. So fuck you. I love them and that is that. 

You hit me pretty hard tonight. You really left a sting this time when you threw this curveball at me. I felt it right in the heart. I felt the blood dripping from the point of impact. It manifested in tears and isolation. It was made clear when I came into this room to write this and rejected the love of those who I am with. I will with all my effort, strength, and power to keep you buried away sealed in a coffin within the depths of my soul. For you no longer will live in this body. You are to die. Slow and painfully. Just as I watched slowly and painfully as you sent a plague across all aspects of my life which left me no choice but to turn to you. You have no choice or say. I won’t give you that option. You are to be punished with the same kind of torture you inflicted on me.

I will stand strong.

With A Heavy Heart:

Taylor James


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