Today is a day to remember:
1 MONTH SOBER
What a month this has been.
This month, although full of its trying times, moments of weakness, many meltdowns and tears shed, lit a fire in me and reminded me of the inner strength that I have and used to flaunt and wear like a signature Alexander McQueen piece.
I put myself through a mental turmoil that I would never wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. Often I lived in fear of temptation which caused me such distress it felt like I locked myself away in a tower with the hope that nobody would come to my rescue. I would tell myself that I was making the biggest mistake of my life to leave alcohol behind. I would have to exclude myself from many functions, events, and social gatherings I loved going to because alcohol would be involved. I knew I would miss out on many fun adventures with those I love because alcohol would be involved. I began to feel like I would become a burden to those in my life who drank as I now posed as an obstacle that would prevent them from doing so because I couldn’t drink. In turn, I was forced to deal with the guilt I would always be letting a part of myself down by depriving it of joy and pleasure I used to give it all the time. Is there still a part of me that feels like I need and want to continue drinking? Absolutely. The fact is there will always be that part of me for as long as I live. However, I know that the sum of all the other beautiful parts of me are stronger and are committed to my recovery and want the best for my soul, body, and mind. I must remind myself of these parts and allow them to guide me through recovery. Already, they have made known to me so many facets of my being that I have suppressed and numbed in order to cope with my demons.
Many nights I spent in complete panic and distress as I had to deal with the fact that my life has completely changed. I, myself, had swept my life of the last 4 years out from under me like a rug and have to rebuild from the ground up. It sounds cliche, but I’m literally starting my life over. I’m on this exciting and thrilling journey of reinvention and revitalization to feel strong, beautiful, and powerful in a sober state of my mind. For too long the alcohol created these illusions of grandeur that I thoroughly believed in and saw as truths. These were not truths. These were horrible self-destructive lies that sent me into such mental chaos I had to silence my thoughts with more and more booze until I could accept that these truths are what I wanted. I DO NOT want to carry out these truths.
- These Truths pushed me into situations where some of the most traumatic events of my life happened
- These Truths destroyed relationships with those I loved most
- These Truths crippled my passion and love of life
- These Truths led me down a path of pain and sabotage
- These Truths caused me to lose faith in everything
- These Truths wounded me.
These Truths will forever send searing pain throughout my body as I attempt to heal and patch them up. In many situations it will feel as if I need to let them bleed out to find relief. Something I fear is reliving all the pain I so greatly worked to repress in these false truths. I pray and hope that the strength within me will see me through and aid in this process.
Most importantly: I learned that I AM NOT ALONE.
I began to realize how much people cared about me. Even though I am struggling, and acting out, and processing all this change, I have people who will be by my side and hold my hand and console me if I need it. They don’t necessarily understand what I’m going through or have a solution to solve my problem, but that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that they are there. They are present. They actually give a shit about how I feel and want the best for me. I am eternally grateful for the support from my loved ones and I feel so secure knowing that I can call these people anytime.
The biggest accomplishment this month for me, other than the obvious not having a drink, is starting to get over my damn pride and being able to accept the fact that I need help sometimes and doing it alone isn’t simply going to cut it. Am I still hesitant to ask for help and feel like I’m intruding on people’s lives with my recovery? You bet! I’m definitely working on it and it is definitely a goal of my recovery process. However, I’m learning that I shouldn’t feel bad about that because each time I do I’m helping myself and I should never feel bad about helping myself be better.
This week in fact I finally started my addiction therapy. My therapist is such a badass lady. I fucking love her. We have a lot in common and we hit it off immediately. She’s really excited to work with me and I can’t wait to work with her. We’re going to work together as a team. She even said it herself. She’s not going to just tell me what to do and hope I do it. She’s committed to building a recovery plan that fits my interests and desires. I have the control over my recovery and because of that I feel so empowered that I will succeed and she’s going to be there to guide me through it all. After meeting with her I have never felt more sure that I am completely and 100% capable of maintaining sobriety and creating a fulfilling and meaningful life without the temptation of alcohol.
The current struggle however is my lack of sleep. The depression of alcohol withdrawal keeps me up all night. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night for roughly three weeks. The symptoms of sleep deprivation are sinking in and making it hard for me to function like a normal human being. It’s not causing my spirit and drive to be better waver though. It’s just an unfortunate inconvenience that is making me prone to more outbursts and really emotionally charged reactions to petty things. I’m hoping this upcoming week when I see my doctor I can get a sleep aid so I can return to a better more stable state of mind.
With the first month in the books it only looks like things will be heading up. I feel like I have a strong support system in place and now that I have started therapy I’ll begin to get equipped with even more tools to help cope when times get hard. I’m beginning to get back into the things that I loved prior to drinking as well as exploring other interests of mine that I was unable to get into because of my drinking. I’m beginning to express myself again and it’s the most liberating feeling in the world. As I type these words I feel these heavy burdens that feel like piles of brick slowly lift off my shoulders. My body feels lighter, my mind is clearer, and my focus is pointed in one direction. Forward. Forward to a brighter future.
With Love And An Empowered Spirit: